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to join the marines? or not..

Added: Saturday, July 19th 2008 at 7:56am by tarnishedpoet
Related Tags: jobs, career, military

SOo0o0o0o0o... i went camping...my all time favorite vacation, and did a lot of thinking. for some reason i couldnt get my mind off of the major shit going on in my life. i obsessed with shootin a bag of dope. God, thats all i could think about. just one bag. just one bag when i get home and ill do anything to get it. well. almost anything. i was never that desperate to get high. and then the other thought that completely overtook my mind was the decision to join the marines. i'm 95% sure i'm going to enlist...i just need to get in better shape. i refuse to get there and get booted from boot camp because i wasnt prepared. but i'm also terrified about this....ive been in several rehabs and detoxes and i know theyll ask if i havea substance abuse problem. i had one...but i dont want that to determine whether or not i can enlist. but then again, i dont want to lie. thatd be just wonderful...being court marshalled because i was unable to tell the truth.

i dont know, theres just so much going on inside my head constantly. normally i LOVE camping, and cant get enough of it. this year? not so much. all i wanted to do was get high, have sex, go shopping, whatever. i just did not want to be up there. but finally, on the second to last day, i enjoyed myself. i dont know why im rambling on about all of this. its not like anybody ever reads what i have to say. i guess that can be a positive. i can write whatever the hell i want and know that it will never be found out. imagine that, huh? im writing personal thoughts and posting them on the internet for the world to see, and no one gives a f*** about what i say. pretty intense, huh? yeah, not really.

im glad to be home. i saw my friend chris whom i havent seen in a long time and God, it was so nice to be with him. camping was rbeaking my heart, knowing everyone there had a math...a partner. and there i was, the third, fifth, or seventh wheel everytime. there i was, just staring at everyone who is so happily in love with one another. God, i'd have given anything to just have one of those intimate moments couples share. those stolen, private glances. just someone to hold me. its not even like i miss that emotional connection, or even that i miss someone to have sex with....all i miss is that warm feeling when youre lying in someones arms. and like i said before, it was so wonderful to see chris. theres nothing better than being in the arms of a 6'3" man. maybe im being cheesy but whatever. i'm lonely and he takes care of me. and he doesnt try anything with me like all the other guys i know. its seriously so hard to find a guy that ill respect you and give you exactly what youwant at the same time.

so yeah, everythings been weighing on my mind. how much weight i have to lose, how much im not in shape and only have a few months to get into shape, how lonely i am and how i'm going to need to learn to rely on myself, how much i daydream, how much i cant wait to get high, how much i miss that rush, shooting through my veins, how confused i am about everything. gosh....theres a lot i need to do and a lot of shit i need to get out of my f***ing head. its all driving me nearly insane! i can tell you what though, that with everything floating around through my head, i hardly said more than a couple of words the entire time we were up in the adirondacks. some of my relatives made me feel bad about it...although ive always been the quiet cousin. but hey, maybe if my family wasnt always in competition to be the loudest, id have a chance. but whatever, im not going to let it bother me anymore. i love my family more than anything...and i know how lucky i am to have a family like that. icant believe it when people say that theyre fighting with this member, or theyve disowned that one. it just blows my mind because my familys so damn close. and loving,  and beautiful and just amazing.

but back to this whole military thing. im scared as shit and i've only made the decision to enlist. God only knows what will happen if i'm able to get in. but i do know that if im able to get in, and able to complete everything, i'll be so proud of myself and ill have made me entire family extremely proud of me. i just want to make my gradnfather, my father, my uncle and my mom proud of me. ive got a military lineage so i feel it necessary to help maintain it. i think theres nothing braver, nothing sexier, nothing anything better than enlisting. plus i need adventure, i need morals, strength, anything positive i can get my hands on. i dont know, whatever. i just need to make some changes in my life. and once i've gotten my body in the shape it needs to be in, then ill be able to do something with myself...instead of sitting around on my fat ass....waking up every morning and going to day rehab...coming home and napping, waking up to eat...going back to bed...so on and so forth. andanothing thing, i desperately need to move out of my parents house. i'm 21 and all everyone can do is remind me that im more or less a loser for not having finished school yet and moving back to live with my parents...because oh, its totally cool for my sister to graduate and live with them. but not me! because im the secret drug addict...because i'm the baby, because i'm the family failure. God, i just dont know anymore. just please, give me the strength i need to get thrugh everything.

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