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Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting at the Baptist Church

Added: Thursday, April 17th 2008 at 9:36am by robertflynn
Related Tags: humor, entertainment





Wednesday night meant prayer meeting at the Chillicothe Baptist Church.  Before praying together, Baptists tried to reconcile themselves to one another over ham hock and lima beans, with ice tea and peace cobbler.



First, Brother Wachel, announced that he felt pretty good for someone who had a funeral that morning. Next he identified the larger concerns of the whole church so that folks could pray about it. One of those concerns was the building fund. "Due to the increased activity of our young people we need to enlarge the nursery," he said.




No one laughed. No one listened.



Another concern was that Brother Elroy was not fulfilling his role as deacon in charge of visitation. Some of the pew racks did not have visitor cards and some of the pencils in the racks had not been sharpened. The pencils were used by visitors to write their names and addresses on the visitor cards so that the pastor might visit the visitors, usually at mealtime.


Brother Wachel was concerned because some church members used the cards to write notes to each other, prepare grocery lists or share recipes.  Teenagers used the pencils to write hymn titles on the cards adding "between the sheets." "How tedious and tasteless," "Blest be the tie," "Fight the good fight," "With happy voices ringing," "There is a wideness" between the sheets.


Another prayer concern was that some church members came to church with their Bible in their pocket or purse, or carried a Bible that was disguised to look like a book. Brother Wachel asked the more devout church members, those who attended Wednesday night prayer meeting, to admonish their errant brothers in the name of the Lord. "We want God and the Methodists to know that we are a Bible-carrying church," Brother Wachel said.


Brother Wachel also asked prayers for the church's new computer although he didn’t like computers. He preferred secretaries. When something went wrong he yelled at the secretary until she confessed that it was her fault.  Computers never admitted it was their fault.


Prayers for the church secretary had not worked. The woman could not spell. When in an excess of Christian love the Baptists had agreed to mention special events at the Methodist Church in the Baptist Bulletin the secretary had written that organist Tootie Wells was having a rectal at the Methodist Church. One Order of Worship listed the sermon title as, “His Yolk Is Easy.” Another sermon title, “My Rock--My Redeemer,” was changed to “Mr. Rock--My Redeemer.” The special music was “Hair in the G-String by J.S. Bach.” Words looked stranger to her every day. “God is Over All” became “God is Overall” and Methodists snickered for days that Baptists worshipped blue denim.

The church had bought the secretary a computer but the woman, home schooled by her Church of Christ parents, believed in the inerrancy of the spell checker. When she wrote in the Baptist Bulletin that the Dorcus Sunday School Class would host a Fajita Party as a mission fundraiser the computer did not recognize fajita and substituted vagina.  

Brother Wachel asked the church to pray that God would personally speak to those complaining, including those who had complained to James Dobson’s Focus on the Family; that God would smite the ridiculers until they removed the Bulletins publicly displayed at the VFW hall and the Fire Station, that God would heal the computer's spellcheck since no one in the Baptist Church knew how to do it, and that God would do it before the men announced their Enchilada Dinner with frijoles and salsa.

Brother Wachel also asked the church to thank God for the Dorcas Sunday School Class's Fajita Party that had set a new record in attendance.

 Viola Vernot, who as president of the Women’s Missionary Union had a sick smile, gave the sick report. "Nonie still has the diarrhea.  Can’t sleep at night and keeps her husband awake. Also ruins his breakfast. You know she went to that ecumenical dinner in Wichita Falls where ethnic foreigners brought different dishes and she ate Dalmatian cuisine. Then somebody told her Dalmatian was a dog.

"As most of you know, Slim Sawyer died last week. When he got bad they called a cold blue on him but he died anyway. He used that botox on his face and had no wrinkles and no expression. In his coffin he looked just the way he did out of it. I always thought he had what they call peacock paranoia.  He thought people were watching him and he liked it.

"The Colemans had three hospitalizations and three wrecks in the family last week. Danny had a wreck coming back from Oklahoma. I don't know why he was in Oklahoma, but folks who saw the wreck said there was beer bottles all over the highway. Maxine was driving to Matador and a deer came through the windshield and landed in Maxine’s lap. Maxine said she praised the Lord that it wasn’t a cow. Winnie went to Wanderer Creek to feed the ducks and someone backed into her and damaged her rear end.

"Mary Chambers' niece threw her back out in Oklahoma. She’s Presbyterian and they dance. That happened the same week Mary fell at home and was not discovered until her husband came home from his AA meeting. Am I supposed to mention that he goes to AA? I’ll make a note of that. She had to have hip surgery, which is hard on someone her age, which I believe is seventy-six. Does anyone know if that’s correct? She was seventy-six last year? We’ll just say seventy-seven and she can correct us if she ever gets back to church.

"Dean’s sister’s grandchild is bad sick in Comatose. I think that’s over in Arkansas.  Do they have hospitals in Arkansas? They thought she caught a virus at school. You know what public schools are like. They let anyone in these days, carrying all kinds of diseases from who knows what country. Her uncle is a vet and he treated her but she worsened and they rushed her to Comatose. Dean said when you read the Scripture in her presence she squeezes your hand like she can hear the voice of God. Dean said they didn't know whether it was God in heaven that was talking to her or God in the Bible.

"Nick Norwood is still in the nursing home. I saw him last week and he is pathetic.  His roommate said Nick has information of the bronchus. He also said Nick has something that he would like to return that he got at the church picnic. Nick didn’t know what it was but it seemed to be one of the food groups.

“Erma Walser is still in the hospital. She was expected to die last week but the family said she pulled through. I haven’t heard any more so I guess she’s not going to die this week either.” As a child Erma had been a flower girl and after dropping flowers down the aisle, she turned around and picked them all up. She screamed until they let her keep them. Her husband, who decided she would be buried beside his mother, already had “Ditto” carved on his mother’s tombstone.  

“Birdie Blanchard's cancer has come back. You know it lay door mat for awhile.” Chillicothe was the last place on earth Birdie wanted to be so her husband made sure it was the last place on earth she was.

"Thelma Collins--she was a Bryant,” Viola said, raising her eyebrows, “Thelma wants the church to pray that her son gets lighter. He spent the summer working in California and got so dark that every time he drives through Quanah the police stop him. Marva Harkins wants the church to pray for her daughter's eighth grade class that laughed at her.  You know the daughter I'm talking about. What kind of dress has a strap that breaks when you're doing pushups?

"Pearl Parker said that Norma, not the bootlegger’s daughter, the other Norma, said she needs help. What she really needs is soap and water.  If anyone has any of those motel bars you might leave them on her porch on top of the washing machine. Lora Carr's nephew has a mysterious ailment and the doctors can't help him. She has asked the church to pray that someone rich gets the disease so that doctors and drug companies will look for a remedy.

"Myrtie Calhoun wants you to pray for Diablo, that Mexican dog of hers.  She said it had become attracted to a German shepherd next door. Their previous Chihuahua was too smart but this dog never had that problem. JoJo Duckworth wants the church to pray for her brother Len. I think that’s the dirty one.  

"Juliette Jones, some of you call her Jew but I just can’t do that in prayer meeting, Juliette wants you to pray for her husband. You know he had a heart attack during prayer meeting last year and vowed to never come here again.” After Green Bay beat the Dallas Cowboys in the Superbowl, her husband had been seen celebrating in the street.

“Martha Goetch wants you to pray for her husband, Herman, the one they call Herman Gotch-eye. She said a misguided sense of honesty causes him to say every thought that passes his mind. You know the shape his mind is in.” If the house caught on fire, while Martha was trying to save things, Herman had a list of what he was going to throw in the fire--the sheet that never fit and always wrinkled up under his butt, the shirt that he hated that she insisted he wear with the suit that he liked only when he didn’t have to wear the shirt with it, the picture of her mother than overlooked their bed.

  “Reba Cole wants you to pray for peace in her family; Elmer is mad at her again. I'd tell Elmer he could get glad in the same clothes he got mad in.” When Elmer answered the phone one day, the caller said, “I have two hundred nipples for you.” Elmer was describing his disgust and his preferences when the caller said, “Is this the Methodist Day Care Center?” Elmer believed someone could mistake him for a movie star, but believing he was mistaken for a nursery required a leap of faith.  

  “Unless someone here knows of someone I haven't mentioned, that's the list and I know those people covet your prayers," Viola concluded.

Brother Wachel asked if anyone had any special requests for prayer. Lonnie Lloyd said the men's Broken Drum (can't be beat) Sunday School Class was raising money for their annual fishing trip and asked the church to pray for their success in selling the popular Tomb Clock. "The one where the stone rolls away and Jesus comes out to announce the hour and tell you to repent while there is yet time."

Myrtie Lance, who for years had kept unsuitable books out of the hands of high school teenagers, cared for the church’s library consisting of a complete set of Matthew Henry commentaries, a backless dictionary, a complete set of “Left-Behind” books, a mystery series about a cat that solved crimes, Why the Bible is Literally True by W.A. Criswell, and several books of prophecy. Myrtie asked prayers for Lettie Bramell, a retired English teacher. Both Myrtie and the pastor had spoken to Lettie and prayer seemed to be the only way to stop her from marking errors in the library books.

Nate Barker asked the church to pray for his tire rolling contest to interest boys in Sunday School. Nate had won such a contest when he was a boy and he had been coming to church ever since. Nate had a coffee enema every morning.

Joyce Clower requested the church to pray that God would tell her sister she had to help take care of their mother. "Every time I ask her to take Mama for a few days she says she'll pray about it, and the Lord always tells her no.  He never tells me no.  I don’t think he should tell her no either." Her sister was a Methodist but some people thought they ought to pray for her anyway.

Alexia Wells asked the church to pray for her daughter who was dating a witch.  Her husband tugged at her sleeve. "What?" she whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear. "She said she was dating a Wiccan, and that's a male witch. What? That's just the redneck pronunciation of Wiccan." Henry’s whispers were quieter than hers and the church waited in silence to see who won the argument. "Never mind," she said. "Henry says he's from Waco."

"I saw Brother Leggett in Wichita Falls," Mona Frazier said, "and he looks real bad. I didn't recognize him at first. I said, 'I know you.  You're either my dentist or my gynecologist.’ He said, 'I used to be your pastor, someone else you never looked at.'” They had let Mona in the bell choir and she couldn’t even ring the bell at the right time. 

“This is not really a prayer,” Jo Nell Parker confessed, “but could anyone tell me what oleo is? I got my mother’s recipe book when she died and there’s a recipe for oleo and the store doesn’t have it.” Jo Nell had red knees and it wasn’t from praying.

"My sister's husband is still seeing another woman,” Maisie Green said. “I told her to move out of that house but she went to her pastor and he advised her to cleanse the inward parts. Please pray that the Lord will straighten that man out.  Her husband, I mean."  Maisie sent her children to Sunday School for cultural training.

“My sister, Clo, had a skin graft from behind her neck to replace cancerous skin on her nose,” Gertrude Turner said. “Hair grows on top of her nose and she is unable to shave it or pull it because the graft is so sensitive, and she refuses to go to church with hair on her nose. I ask you to pray that she will stop looking in the mirror when she comes to see me.” Gertrude had teeth so long that her husband said kissing her was like kissing a skull.  

Sue Ellen Woods asked prayers for her son-in-law, Cletus Harvey, who escaped from a penitentiary in Arkansas. “No one blames him for that,” Sue Ellen said, “but please pray that he doesn’t come back here.” Cletus had a low reputation since high school when he took one girl to morning worship service and another to the evening service. 

Cyndi Hughes asked for the church’s prayers because she had to appear in the Beauty Bowl football game because any girl who didn’t show up couldn’t claim she was a beauty. Any girl who did show up had to face Maida Hampton who was two axe-handles wide, went to the Church of Christ and grew hair on her back.

Oma Brickhouse said her niece over in Oklahoma went to the picture show last Friday and was shot in her seat and has the bullet in her yet. "Remember her in your prayers."

Lissie Dunn and Ruby Waldrip whose children had married asked prayers for them because they were getting a divorce. “I told David not to marry a girl whose best friends call her ‘Polar Bear,’” Lissie said.  

“I brought Luann up right,” Ruby said. “I taught her how to be a lady and to beware of a man's animal ways. I warned her not to marry a boy whose friends called him ‘diesel emissions.’”    

As prayers rose from the Baptist Church, contentment and something like satisfaction came to rest in the souls of those who believed in a God they could be comfortable with.

From "Slouching Toward Zion"

User Comments

" the computer did not recognize fajita and substituted vagina " I really laughed at this...it almost reads like a modern Shakespearian comdey...thanks for this post

Thanks for your comment, Celestine.

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