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Swallow the Dollar

Added: Monday, September 1st 2008 at 8:02pm by robertflynn
Related Tags: religion


Simple Bob stumbled along the broken sidewalk hoping to find a job, any kind of job, in the rusty industrial area. He had lived in a car for a while, his wife and children with him, until he had to sell the car to buy food and then had to leave his family because they couldn’t get government assistance as long as he was with them.

Before him he spied a bill. He quickly looked to see if anyone watched and then hurried to the bill. It was a hundred dollar bill. When he reached to pick it up he saw that it was in a pile of dog excrement.

"Pick it up," someone said and Simple Bob saw Satan leaning against a huge hamburger with a slice of pie beside it.

"It’s dirty," Simple Bob said. "It has dog poop on it."

"It’s not dog poop, it’s candy," said Satan changing his position against the billboard. "It’s melted a little. Pick it up. It’ll get you where you want to go."

"I want to go some place where they have food. I haven’t eaten for two days. I can’t feed my wife, I can’t feed my kids. I can’t even feed myself."

"Pick it up and you can eat all you want."

"It smells like dog poop," Simple Bob said, picking up the bill.

"Lick the candy off it, buy breakfast and you won’t have to worry about lunch and dinner."

"Yeah. It’ll make me sick or maybe I’ll die," Simple Bob said. "It tastes like dog poop."

"Think of the money," Satan said. "A hundred dollars."

And Simple Bob swallowed the dollar.

Brave John was on his way to the office, having to walk because his wife was using the airplane. He heard someone saying, "Drill. Drill here. Drill now." He looked up and saw Satan leaning against a national monument. "Drill and gas will be cheaper."

"Yeah, maybe in twenty years," Brave John said. "People have cut back on consumption and gas is already cheaper. Slow to 55 and it’ll be even cheaper. Conservation works now."

"There’s no money in conservation," Satan said. "People aren’t going to sacrifice for their children or their country. Drill your way to oil independence."

"I’m not good at economics but I can do math," Brave John said. "We have 3% of the world’s oil reserves and we consume 25% of the world’s oil. We have already leased four-fifths of the offshore resources. In the last four years the Bureau of Land Management has issued almost 29,000 permits to drill on land that belongs to the people but oil companies have drilled less than 19,000 wells. They are hoarding leases until the price of oil is even higher than now."

"And when the time is ripe, they will drill those wells and suck up that oil."

"We will have used all our oil. And our kids will have nothing."

"When all the oil is gone we’ll throw billions of dollars at the oil companies to find alternative sources. It’s not alterative sources of energy I hate, it’s alterative corporations sucking taxpayers and consumers dry. The purpose of government is to see that the money goes in the right pockets. Just say, ‘Drill here, drill now’ and some of that money will go in your pocket--er--campaign funding."

"But leasing more of the people’s land to oil companies won’t lower the price of gas now. That’s a lie."

"So what? It will be years before anyone knows that and you can say, ‘Yes, it was a lie but it was the right thing to do.’ Besides, by then they will be concerned about a bigger lie, each big lie displaced by a bigger lie so no one can focus on the previous lies. It’s infallible."

"It’s insane. It will drive people crazy. It will destroy the nation."

"Well, "Satan said. "Yes. But think of the dollars."

And Brave John swallowed it.

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