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No Clergy Women

Added: Thursday, July 17th 2008 at 10:26am by robertflynn
Related Tags: humor, entertainment

Parody of “Farmer’s Union Leader Knocks Woman’s Suffrage,” published in the Fort Worth Semi-weekly Record, Feb. 16, 1919



The idea of a pink pulpit no doubt appeals to woman’s love for the ridiculous but for the church to unsex the human race so that a woman may rule over a man is human abomination and religious tofu.  God gave Eve to Adam with the pledge that she would be his helpmate and with that order of companionship God has blessed woman and man has honored her.  Now, after 6007 years, three months, four days and seventeen hours of progress, she proposes to provoke God and decoy man by amending an agreement to which she was not a party.

Why are women dissatisfied with their role when men want them to ever remain our superior?  We are willing to join in every effort to elevate woman but the descent of woman to the clergy is the most awful tragedy in civilization.  As she slinks to the pulpit she will like the setting sun tint the horizon with the rays of her departing glory, she will tenderly kiss the mountain tops of her achievement, she will allure the dense and the dumb with her beauty as she disappears downward into apostasy, and heaven and man will tremble.

Why is woman restless under the God-given crown of motherhood?  Is it not sufficient that future presidents of the Southern Baptist Convention nurse at her breast?  That future popes call on her to make them clean?  Can ambition leap to more glorious heights than to sing lullabies to future geniuses at Bob Jones University?

Woman is the medium through which angels whisper their messages to mankind; it is her hand that plants thoughts in the intellectual vineyard; it is through her heart that hope, love and sympathy overflow and bless mankind.  But the Apostle Paul told her to shut up in church.

Why this inordinate thirst for power?  Man cannot enter this world without her presence; he cannot eat without her blessing; he cannot rest in peace without her consent.  Why crave authority over man when he has given her his heart, his name, his money?  Why does she insist on taking his calling, his careworn smile, his dog-eared Schofield Reference Bible?

No man--especially if he is married--would deny woman any right she demands.  Take the earth and give us peace.  But what bond can she give us that she is capable of leading the Southern Baptist Convention?  Man has won his laurels rescuing her from her own folly, from doing things that God never intended she should do and leaving undone her divinely appointed task of serving her husband.  Since the days of Adam and Eve woman has offered man an apple and given him a lemon.  

Woman has always been the first to kneel at the feet of false gods; she is the slave of custom, the victim of sentiment and the prey of fashion.  Does she not seek to intensify the figure God gave her? to augment her beauty? to enhance her charm?  There is more power in her smile than in the pulpit.  It is she who is at fault for sin in this world.  Why does she not arrest the glance of the seductress? retard the saunter of the wanton? neutralize the smile of the harlot?  Why does she not save homes from the peril of the male’s wandering eye?  Why does she not bring up the child in the way it should go?  Why does she not prepare a meal devoid of French cuisine?  Let woman solve her own problems before invading the potent pulpit. 

Doesn’t every man know how difficult it is for her to make up her mind and how easy it is for her to change it?  Does he not know how impossible it is for her to say “yes” or “no” without revising, amending and explaining?  Would man in a cruel moment rob her of the charms of hesitation, deny her the glory of doubt or willfully terminate her happy dreams by forcing her to bring forth a budget agreeable to a male board of deacons?

Is not the selection of a church location more important than the selection of a pastor?  Is not the employment of a church janitor more consequential than the employment of a designer for the pastor’s apparel?  Is not the church’s choice of praise songs more significant than the hysterical cry of a woman’s call to the altar?

It is gratifying to note that it is not the farmer’s wife who is clamoring to be a pastor, or the plumber’s girlfriend, or the carpenter’s daughter.  Being a pastor will give her no assistance in ironing her husband’s shirts, mending her children’s clothes or mowing the lawn.  

It is argued that a noble woman is more capable of being a pastor than a worthless man but churches, and women, have ever been fond of worthless men.  But what man can find it in his heart to look with pride upon his mother-in-law known as the most powerful pulpiteer on TV?  Upon his mother acknowledged to be the ablest Bishop in Christendom?  Upon his wife recognized as the pastor of the first woman president?

God forbid that we should become a henpecked church where deacons meetings become gossip parlors, where church suppers become fast-food cuisine and men who have toiled all day must wash dishes while boys missing buttons from their unironed shirts and girls absent bows from their unwashed hair careen recklessly and unattended.

  Woman may temporarily decoy the scepter of power from man with her charms and the lure of false logic but does she not fear that the church will seek revenge and hurl her back to the past where she was a hewer of wood and bearer of water?  Woman, beware!  Touch not the pulpit!  In it are the charm of haute couture, the lure of the half-price sale and the sting of a husband’s rebuke. 

User Comments

I'm a woman (armed with an M.A., no less {trumpets sounding} ), and I sorely disagree with allowing women in the pulpit (I even walked out on one once), but this post is hilarious, all the same.

The penultimate paragraph aptly sums up what indeed has happened to young folks in the past 40 years, as a result of such marvelous things as absent mothers, easy divorce, shacking up, and---worst of all---the proliferation of day"care," which in my book is a case of OrwellSpeak ranking right up there with words like "Final Solution" and "liquidation."  You might want to read some books such as Suzanne Venkers' "7 Myths of Working Mothers," to get a different perspective than that constantly blathered by the mainsilt media.

70's Gal

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