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For the Love of Agape or Eros Without Error, a religious sex shop

Added: Wednesday, February 13th 2008 at 11:46am by robertflynn
Related Tags: humor, entertainment
 
 
 

 

 

For the Love of Agape or Eros Without Error

A Religious Sex Shop

 

The monotheistic religions agree that begetting is God’s chosen method of human duplication and that the Creator made an almighty mistake.  A better choice would have been clay-molding, rib-taking or zeroxing which are more hygienic, less disruptive and not impregnated with sin.   

Because of God’s mistake the monotheistic religions require or at least desire their followers to be sexual novices before the consecration of marriage.  They want the participants--one male, one female--to come to the union as amateurs, without apprenticeship or probationary period, and to approach the hymeneal altar as neophytes.  This would seem to require thorough and reliable sex education before wedlock so that those willing to be knotted together forever might come to a fixed position in regard to those rituals required for iteration.  Instead, for most religions, sexual ignorance is marital bliss.

The Hindus have the erotic temples of the Chandelas that demonstrate more positions for intercommunication than dreamt of by Hugh Heffner or Jimmy Swaggart.  Christians and Jews have King David, Ruth, the Song of Solomon and Hosea.  However, none of these offer guidance in honeymoon motel etiquette such as 

•scheduling your one bathroom

•what to wear to your first interconnection

•proper response to incompetent audacity

•showing limitless joy rather than limited effort

•demonstrating persistence as well as purpose.

For the monotheistic religions, it is blessing then guessing.  Before the yoke of matrimony there is little training in flirtation without temptation, temptation without consummation, mingling without co-mingling, becoming a couple without coupling, fondling without finding.  Two people yoked by matrimony intersect (in the geometric sense) without aphrodisiaids or carnal knowledge, both lacking mastery of the skills commonly associated with the job of sex.  This is like a first-grader beginning with quantum physics.  The quantum is lost in the physics.  Too often such couples clap together in the superficial bungling and fruitless frittering that leads to dilettantism by wives and the treatment of conjugal duty as a hobby by husbands.

Rather than offering advanced education to hand-in-glove bondage the monotheistic religions set two artless people on the path to happily-ever-after with a map showing only the destination.  They provide no directions for managed monogamy without monotony, resolute repetition without deviation, how to say no after vowing to say yes, how to intercommunicate when no longer speaking, and when a headache is not enough.    

Some believers have dared challenge this barrier by reading the love poems of Elizabeth Barret Browning, studying diagrams in biology textbooks or watching cable TV.  However, sex is too sacred for secular humanists and other perverts to have all the profits.  Therefore, the Sons of Solomon’s Sales and the Daughters of Mary Magdalene Mercantile have combined their talents to create “For The Love Of Agape Sex Shop” to provide Agape approved accessories guaranteed to provoke spiritual as well as sensual satisfaction.

For the Love of Agape is for exclusive use by religious couples 

•who desire knowledge about human intimacy before accepting the bonds of holy matrimony

•wish to approach marriage with holiness as well as heat

•wish to balance a Catholic passion for multiplication with the information necessary for successful completion of the task

•wish to restore the spiritual to sexual clinching

•wish to restore the joy of their early coupling 

•wish to relight the candle under their bushel.  

Love of Agape is for married couples (heterosexual couples married to each other) and those with serious intentions of getting married.  Proof of engagement required for browsing; recommendation from a parent or religious professional preferred.   Marriage license required for some  purchases.  Common law arrangements not accepted.

Remember, “If It’s Agape It’s Got To Be Good.”

AGAPE APPROVED LINGERIE

Specialties for the daughters of Eve:

Add a Cup demis and merry widows for Methodists and Reform Jews

Spellbound Angel bras and V strings with embroidered satin for Church of Scientology

Fishnet body suit for Jehovah’s Witness  

Lace desire plunge bras and second skin satin fringe thongs for Unitarians, Episcopalians and fallen away Methodists

Cross Your Heart and Thank God it fits bras and predestinarian Promise panties for Presbyterians

Hidden wire shaping full-figure bras and cotton bloomer holy garment for Mormons

Boudoir pushup bra and 18-hour Cool Comfort rhumba panties for Lutherans

Barely There bras and double string bikinis with scripture reference for United Church of Christ

Minimizing T-shirt bras and thermal hot pant boy shorts with easy-to-read John 3:3 for Baptists

Black burka with matching black hajib, black all-encompassing bra and black full coverage bloomers for Muslims.  Also comes in very dark gray.

Fly away bras and rapture panties for Pentecostals

 

Specialties for the sons of Adam:  

Beefy buckskin maximizing boxers for Baptists

Big boy jersey knit boxers with full size seat for Methodists

Stone cold all-cotton hygienic drawers with open front for Presbyterians

Covered gate union suit with abdominal band and drop seat for Catholics

Hair boxers for Muslims, Orthodox and Southern Baptists.  (Strongly recommended for Unitarians)

Beachcombers broadcloth next to nothing briefs for Church of Scientology

One size fits all multi-directional loosey goosey underpants for Unitarians

Wild and wooly plush-back boxers for Unitarians and fallen away Methodists

Blast from the past boxers for Episcopalians

Tough skin mohair holy garment for Mormons

Call 911 and stand back skivvies for Pentecostals 

Call 72 virgins and stand back skivvies for Muslims (comes with pockets for explosives)

Drunknmunky camouflage skivvies for Lutherans (comes with pocket for beer stein)

 

Agape Approved Sex Books

The Illustrated Song of Solomon

The True Story of Adam and Eve with glossy photographs (fig leaf version for Southern Baptists)

Foreplay is Okay After Marriage by Rabbi Stan Goldberg

Love Stories From the Bible:  Includes: Abraham and Sarah and Pharaoh; Isaac and Rebecca and Leah; King David and Uriah’s wife, King Solomon and Seven Hundred Wives and Three Hundred Concubines (includes some diagrams)

French For Lovers (eschew harsh Germanic terms and say it in French) by Benny DeHinn

Loving with Authority (for men only) by Rev. Richard Land

Complete Submission for Complete Satisfaction (a favorite with Christian women) by James Dobson

Fundamentalist Fundamentals for the Prospective Bride by Rick Scarborough.  (another favorite)  Includes: Hearing the Altar Call, Seeking a Missionary Position, Girding Your Loins for Cross Fertilization, There is no “Who Me?” in Submission but There is an I, Finding Rapture Before The Rapture, In Every Christian Home Man is the Head, Woman is the Body; The Head and the Body Need Little Feet; Making Sunbeams for Jesus; When the Man is the Head, the Woman is the Body and the Children Are Wrong

Celibacy is Not a Hands On Job by Cardinal Ratzinger

The Spotless Bride, Without Blot, Tumor or Wart by Marilyn Hickey

Raising Lazarus by Jimmy Swaggart

   

Agape Approved Magazines

“Pent-Up Housewife” Includes coupons for floor wax and toilet bowl cleaner 

“Workgirl” (with submissive wife of the month)

“Oui” (but only after marriage) 

“Hustler For Jesus”  Also available “Hustler for Moses” ) includes facsimile deed for the land God gave to Abraham, and “Hustler for Mohammed” includes recipe for sarin gas 

 

Agape Approved Sexual Fantasies and Games

Adam Discovers Eve

David Watches Bathsheba at her Bath

Daniel and Potiphar’s wife

Cleavage Play (frontal cleavage only for Catholics, toe cleavage only for Baptists)

Solomon Selects Concubine Number 299

Subtle Serpent Gives Eve a Bite of His Apple

Amon and Tamar

Rahab disguises an Israelite spy

Salome Dances for John the Baptist’s Head (and heart?)

Crusader Captures Jerusalem Brothel (comes with French for Lovers)

 

Agape Approved Sex Toys

Virgin lamb chastity belts

Chi Rho Cream for painless and sinless intimacy 

Oil of Lourdes for sinless intimacy with the intention of conception for devout Catholics  (Guaranteed non-prophylactic)  

Pentecostal cuffs and Baptist bracelets for that feeling of complete submission

Aaron’s Rod for bad-girl Jews

Love Lash for Lutherans (complete with beer stein handle)

Mock mammogram for matronly Methodists

Reel it, Feel it Rubber Rack (best used with sex game Crusader captures Jerusalem brothel)

Satin masks so your right hand doesn’t know what your left hand is doing

Rahab-red, toeless, high-heel shoes with babydoll sleepwear 

Body paint soap in your favorite scents--Lily of the Valley, Rose of Sharon, Cedars of Lebanon, Shittim wood

Edible underwear (made of unleavened bread.  Wheat only)  

New: in addition to the usual vanilla and fruit flavors, we offer specialties such as gefilte fish for Jews, Ramadan raisin for Muslims, lute fish for Lutherans, tuna casserole for Methodists, Lottie Moonpie for Baptists.

 

Remember “If It’s Agape It’s Got To Be Good.”

 

First published in a slightly different version by Soma Review (www.somareview.com) 

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

User Comments

"Sullen" Baptist???  Mebbe you better change that to "sardonic," eh? Wink

While visiting a Seminary to hear a friend speak I read a letter from a seminary student to a student newspaper complaining that his recent marriage was in trouble because neither he nor his wife knew anything about sexual relations.  That was the inspiration for a story about a religious sex shop.  It is not intended as a guide to marital relations but a request that religions do a better job of preparing the young for sexually fulfilling marriages. 

For the record,  some Koran scholarship says that when talking about 72 virgins, a more literal translation is "72 grapes".

 

More: http://www.imaginaryplanet.net/weblogs/idiotprogrammer/?p=83399082

I've read from many Islamic sources that the 72 virgins is not correct and that Muslims are offended that the American media pretend that it is for comic effect.

Thanks for your hard work in your posts. It is so benificial that it helps me a lot in my graduation paper.live satellite video{#cheerleader.gif}

Good luck on your graduation paper. And congratulations on your graduation.

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