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Do You Have a Rapture Lawyer?

Added: Friday, December 14th 2007 at 7:09am by robertflynn
Related Tags: poetry, art
 
 
 

The Lord is going to return very soon, probably before the next election.  If your chances of being raptured are greater than those of a pecan pie at a Baptist picnic you need a rapture lawyer.  As you rise into glory, what happens to your estate?

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife.  What if the rapture comes while you are driving your car, you disappear in the air, and your car goes smash into an X-rated video store?  Your wife is going to the poor house, and your estate is going to a pornographer and pervert.

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because you have given up driving, along with other litigious liabilities, and you have a valid will leaving everything to your wife, children and grandchildren.  What happens if you raised them right, correcting your wife along the way, and they are raptured with you?  You may think you will be so happy in heaven with God, the angels, your relatives--including your sainted mother who preceded you--that you won’t care what happens to your estate.  Think again.  The estate that you spent your life trying to protect from the government is going to be seized by Uncle Sam.  And you’re going to feel like hell.

You may think you don’t need a rapture lawyer because your estate will be safe in the hands of those who are as likely to be raptured as Bishop Spong--your wife, who is Satan’s sibling, and her spawn, who watched public television while you were in church, hid the remote when you prayed, and sneaked beer into the house while you read your Bible.  Before your will can be probated, your heirs will have to prove you are dead.  Where is your body?  Where is your death certificate?

You may think you have cause for serenity because teachers will be treasured before lawyers are levitated.  This is true.  The post-rapture world will be filled with lawyers and other nonChristians.  The mendacious shall inherit the earth.  Liberals will occupy the White House, the Supreme Court and both houses of Congress.  And they are going to want your money to throw at programs like health and education that do nothing to make the military stronger or the markets more profitable.

You need a rapture lawyer.  This is the age of specialization.  Would you hire Johnny Cochrane to defend you if you were charged with murder?  Well, yes.  But would you hire him to defend you in bankruptcy court?  Or would you accuse him of putting you in bankruptcy court? 

You need a rapture lawyer who knows how to certify that you are in heaven with Jesus and not in Bimini with a blonde, a bikini, and a bag of money.  You need a rapture lawyer to see that the godless government doesn’t get your assets, even if he has to take them himself. 
The time is short.  The crisis is now.  Liberty College and Southern Baptist Seminaries offer classes in rapture law to lawyers who foresee being left behind.

James Dobson has set up a hot line for your questions.  “Should I make provisions for the child my unwed daughter now carries or will the innocent embryo be raptured?  Is there immaculate abortion?”  “My will leaves everything to the library of Liberty College.  After the rapture, who will use the library?”  “My estate will go to my church.  How can I keep someone, who will be left behind because he goes to church only to meet widows, from getting any part of it?”  “If I leave my assets to the Eagle Forum, who will be left to administer it after the rapture?”  “If the rapture comes and by error I am left behind, who should I ask to plead my case?  The pope or a rapture lawyer?”

Call now.  1-800-rap-shur.

  From Slouching Toward Zion

 See my website:  www.robert-flynn.net

User Comments

[LOL][THUMBUP][LOL][THUMBUP] I'd have loved this as an antidote when, a mere tender 18 months old in the LORD, but already once thru the WORD completely, my first encounter with Rapturitis (in a "small group"----deliver us all[THUMBDOWN]) left me reeling with cognitive dissonance, viz: "Wait a minute! Have I misread the Bible this bad? But just as alarming: why are these folks [who had been Xtians longer than me] believing something unbiblical?" Either way, I was terrified.[ROLLEYES]

Hilarious .... Puhleeeze God, PLEEEZE rapture John Hagee, George W Bush, Machmoud I'm-in-need-of-a-new-brain Amedinejhad, Kim Jung IL, James Dobson, Vladimir Putin, Hugo Chavez, and the entire right wing of the ReptilioCON Party ....

My God refuses to alter my life without my permission ... the whole notion of rapture is a misunderstood crock of horse stuff ... I believe it is possible for a soul to reach the level of spiritual advancement wherein it is capable of rendering the body able to transcend the physical, but, as for the notion that God is gonna yank peopl into Heaven in advance of the arrival of the Anti-Christ, I believe it is a nutty and baseless belief.

Those guys that wrote the Left Behind Series are about as rational as a bearded Islamic fundamentalist on some seriously potent HASH ... While I vigorously defend the free speech of the two clowns that penned such unBiblical lunacy, I hope they recant their nutball version of pseudo-reality before their next lemming-funded royalty check comes in ... not likely ... I'd love to debate those two baboons .... I wonder if they have secret fantasy lives about what they'd like to do to a tied-up Ann Coulter?

Laughing

 

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