You don't understand it completely....but yet you completely claim it... "as MY disorder" and "myfatbody".....

You recognize the chains........that IT won't let you be free.....but you don't recognize that you have claimed those chains you....

You are not a set of binding chains........nor are you only flesh.

well, i have been with it for fourteen years.  maybe i am wrong to claim it, but it sure feels like part of me

Absoutely your flesh is "part" of your makeup.  But it is not the whole of YOU.  It appears  you use another "part" of your makeup your "soul /thinking part", to sometimes work for you, and sometimes against you. Thus the constant struggle.

Would it be reasonable to say, you use your own mind (soul) to think against yourself? 

This is hard for me Rachael.  I have never done this before.  I know you don't know me but i will say this: I hate myself and the woman i became (or never became for that matter).

I am sure it is very difficult and I certainly don't mean to imply my lack of understanding in that regard.  Interesting, you do make the observation, I don't know you.  That is true.  But we begin to base our opinions about others from the very get go of engaging in face to face appearence contact to verbal exchange and a through whole plethera of other means.   You say you hate yourself.  But so far, I like you. 

Rachel, those are kind (appreciated) words.  I must say, everyone likes me from the start.  Then the mystery of me and my eating disorder is unraveled and I am usually pitied. I have only one gf and I know she resents the pain I put her through and I have had only one true love in my life -- and as of six months ago that is over too.  It was very hard for me because i blamed it all on him.  I have come to realize that most of what i do is a secret...the eating, the breaking plans, the time alone - everything.  I thought i was upfront about it all but after a while, when you love someone, they want that time and i just could not give it.  I guess if i look from afar i chose my disorder over him.  I know he tried to understand but how could he do it if i cant?  

My therapist suggested something a few weeks ago which really hit me hard - and i know will most likely haunt me forever.   In the end we split up because i felt he was hiding things from me.  He was dishonet about some things that were, to me, pretty important.  My therspist, however, suggested that perhaps he was not hiding them, but rather, shielding them from me because of my lack of any ability to cope with life's hard facts.  He hid them because he did not want to see my disorder take over and watch me use it to hurt myself.  Though it was dishonest she suggested, perhaps that was his way of protecting me.  Anyway, through it all he was a good guy and i know he loved me; if that was the reason this hurts even more because while i blamed it on him, and was right to do so at the time, i belive now that in his own way, he was trying to protect me.

I will find another guy...but will i find thst ever again?

I am going to send you an email through this blog.

Thank you Brad. I am new to this, as you must have realized.  I think I read on her blog before.  She seemed very eloquent and I am not sure if she would appreciate my comments or opinions.  But maybe one day i will have the courage to talk with her.  Thank you again

You're new, so people don't expect you to know all the tricks.

As far as talking with her, or others, you won't know until you try :-)

Thanks Olivia.  i feel like i am in a spiriling hole and i am using cheap male companionship to fill the void.

i not only want to be better Brad...i need it.  It feels like death's door is right around the corner.

Definitely motivation. You're working with a therapist to make progress, so you're moving away from the spiral.

I am trying Brad.  I do feel its not working. replacing whats missing inside with anonomous sex is neither helthy nor safe for me.

No, it's not.

What about your progress on finding what's missing inside? How is that going? I assume figuring that out and how to fill with self-esteem(?) is (the main?) part of your work with your therapist.

I told goodbyeED about that woman on bodybuilding.com because guys there ... feed into her body issues like that too. The men give that woman attention and encourage her to keep up what she's doing because they consider thin to be a goal, but for her, an anoxeric, it's not. I don't know how she stays sane getting mixed messages like that, but you probably get similar ... reinforcement from your men.

I read your reply to Rachel above about that guy. I don't know. He was dishonest with you, but I'm guessing the relationship was complicated for you.