"An affair with a coke dealer? Classy." That is the single, repetitive thought running through my head as I try to come up with some excuse to back out now. But I already see it, I'm in too deep. I'm in the spacious, updated, open kitchen of an old high school friend. He and I are smoking high quality marijuana out of his bong that cost more than my rent. His eyes follow my every move. It isn't the first time we've hung out like this, but it is the first time we've done it without my fiance, and the sexual tension is ear splitting. After smoking a few bowls and throwing back a few Mike's Hard lemonades, he begins mentioning how turned on he is by me. Laugh it off. He starts talking about how if I let him, he'll  "make it rain coke dealer money all over" me. Laugh it off. However, the wheels have already begun turning in my head. Even though the idea shouldn't be sexy, it has an irresistible heir of mystery and lust. The thought of my clothes being viciously ripped offby this toned, tough, ultimate modern version of a bad boy. Here, in his huge empty house, a brand new gun in a box on the sofa, a buffet of his packaged drugs on the counter. I'm a little sickened by the arousal forming inside me at the thought of the word affair as it escapes his cottonmouth coated lips.

    I've cheated before, but it was in short term relationships with guys who weren't serious or long distance internet/phone relationships that were like games to me. My philosophy was always, "I'm not married yet. And once I am, I'll stay eternally faithful". Well, I'm in a relationship but I'm still not married. And I have the deepest desire to feel wanted by someone other than the man I see everyday, much as I love and appreciate him. Judge me if you must, most people will. But I am only human, and I'm still learning a great deal about life and about myself. And as I sit on a bar stool in this kitchen, weighing out the pros and cons, I feel a strong hand grasp my thigh and turn my whole body to face him in one swift motion. He smells like fruity marijuana and clean laundry. He's close enough for me to feel his hot breath on my face.

    It wasn't until this moment, that I noticed how piercing his deep set eyes were, even glossy and wild as they were. He forced his mouth onto mine, and admittedly, I didn't resist. I like strong men, they make me tingle. His tongue pushed it's way into my mouth and my spine erupted in an icy shiver. He scooped me up off the bar stool with ease and gracefully, quickly, carried me into his darkened bedroom. He knew what I craved. I wanted savage, he tore my clothes off like a wild animal. I wanted rough, he covered my mouth with one hand and clasped my throat with the other. A long while and a lot of pleasure filled screaming later, I emerged from the bedroom and quickly crossed the hallway into the large guest bathroom. The bright glow of the bathroom light exposed all the evidence of my shameful tryst. My dark, previously straightened hair was knotted up all where he'd held the back of my head. My lip gloss was long gone, but my lips were swelled anddarkenedfromour romp. I could still feel his saliva on my chest and neck. It made me queasy. I quickly washed in the sink, combed through my hair with my fingers and reapplied the lip gloss I kept in the pocket of my shorts. When I looked half way decent again, I proceeded to the kitchen where He had poured more drinks.

    I nursed my drink without sipping and we made some small talk. But once He mentioned the possibility of a threesome with his roommate, our fellow former classmate and his closest male friend, I'd had enough wild time. Pretending I wasn't at all disgusted by his proposition, I declined another drink and made an excuse to leave. We hugged coolly in the doorway, his roommate waved with a wink from the hallway. He said he'd call me later, I told him not to, I'd be out of reach and that I'd text him soon. I unlocked my Sentra, started the engine and drove home in the evening desert heat with the windows up and the a/c off. I was in a bit of a daze about everything that had just happened. Too in shock to feel the guilt, yet, but another feeling was brewing beneath the surface. One that I was never prepared for, and awfully ashamed of. A feeling of intrigue and of mischief. Thoughts of passionately risky affairs with dangerous men. Thoughts of sexual escapades thatIhadnever yet experienced in my young life. Was tonight just a one time thing? I'm not sure I was ready for it to be.

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