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Fight or Flight

Added: Monday, May 17th 2010 at 7:10am by maggiemae

That's what we humans are conditioned to do when confronted with perceived danger.  It doesn't have to be physical danger.  We can get these urges when confronted with people or situations which trigger emotional pain as well.  The thing is, just because we get these urges it doesn't necessarily mean that we need to act on them.  

I had a hard time sleeping last night.  It occurred to me to grab my box of large garbage bags and go upstairs, load all of 19yo's stuff in them, and toss them out the window onto the curb.  Yeah, I'm angry.  Yeah, drugs have usurped too much of our emotional and financial resources these past ten years and I don't want to invest any more.  Yeah, it sucks.  But do I really want to render her homeless?

I need to 'chill'.  Even if tossing her out is the right thing to do, if I do it, it needs to be because I've thought it all out, not because I flew off the handle and reacted.  I'm feeling downright hostile right now.  That's not me.  But what is it?  Instinct?  Grief?  Saturation?  Un-forgiveness? 

A 'new life' is beckoning.  I have plans for beauty and peace.  But at what price?  Are some people expendable?  Is my happiness more important than the security and safety of another?  Let me back up.  I was once 'expended' by a parent, and for a far less justifiable reason.  Is it apples and oranges?  Or is it what must happen in order for an individual to learn to stand on their own two feet.

And what about 12yo?  Does she not deserve to live at least some of her youth outside of the shadow of 19yo's antics?  And what about love?  What does love look like in this situation?  What about being "willing to march into Hell for a Heavenly cause"?  Yeah, I know it's schmaltzy, but I LOVE that song!  But maybe there's a reason they call it The 'IMPOSSIBLE' Dream.

I don't know.  All I know is that I have stuff to paint.  Stuff to move.  A son to pick up out of jail.  A mentally challenged lady to give a ride to.  And a full day of trying to look cheery so people will want to stay and browse awhile... and hopefully buy something.

Any advice anybody cares to offer will be welcome.

User Comments

You have more strength than you might realize...You are AWESOME!

{#crazyheart.gif}  Thanks DP.

I would listen to your gut, what does your intuition say. Sorry, I have never been good at advice giving. I always try to follow what my intuition says.

Me too... once I can calm down enough to listen to it.  I don't have to act immediately... or at all if I don't want to.

You've been fleeing every time, for years. That hasn't worked...

Oh YUCK.  Does that mean I have to fight?

You're the only one who knows the answer to that one, I'm afraid. But if what you've been doing isn't working, then it seems you've got to stand it, or change it.

Thank you for elaborating.  I keep going back to the "Change the things I can..." part of the "Serenity Prayer".  I know some things need to happen.  But whatever it is, I don't want to be wishy-washy about it.  I'll need to think it over some more.

I think... . if put in your same situation, over and over, I would think I might just go for the trashbags. My thought is you can not sacrifice you, hubby and 12 year old for 19 year old... I do agree you need to make this decision with hubby and for the best interest of all, not do it over anger. I of course am not you, nor can I know what you or your family go through.. and really if I were in the same situation, I might not do what I think I would do. No one can know what they would do. But I can totally understand your feelings.

Thanks Margaret.  I know that when I've 'invited her to leave' before, and she had to spend a couple of months couch surfing, it got her attention!  It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

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