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LadyEmme

 

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I'm frustrated. Am I still IN love? I need advice.

Controversial Content
Added: Friday, November 20th 2020 at 12:23pm by LadyEmme
Category: About Me
Related Tags: marriage, divorce
 
 
 

I feel like i'm not IN love with my husband anymore. I LOVE him to death and with all my heart but I am not sure if I am IN love with him.... Next July we will have been married for ten years.... We've had good times and wonderful adventures... We have three kids... and yet I am just so freaking tired. I honestly don't know if I have it in me anymore.
I don't believ in divorce. I never have... and yet it's something that has been on my mind and I absolutely hate it. I don't want to think about that. I want to be better and get passed this feeling.

I am just so sick of feeling alone. I feel like for most of my marriage I have been alone, fighting for affection, fighting for attention, fighting for a full time partner.
Fighting for someone to stand with me, stand UP FOR ME, just fighting...

I know that my husband loves me and the greatest thing he has done for me is accept me as I am, loving me with all my depression and sadness and mood swings.... unfortunately, I feel like a lot of my depression, sadness and mood swings is BECAUSE of him.

He has never been a big person to show emotions, or to care, about anything really, he never wants to do anything so I usually end up doing it by myself or I beg and talk him into doing it with me and then 85 percent of the time he is just grumphy and doesn't wanna be there so it ends up ruining the entire thing. I HATE feeling like I have to beg!!

He has never liked seeing the baby move in the stomach as it creeps him out, so I honestly didn't get a lot of touch when I was pregnant, with Any of my children and it has greatly affected me. He never really cared or wanted to go to my appointments with me when I was pregnant, and when I would talk him into it and beg, he would be so rude and grumpy and just have attitude and pretty much ignore the doctor or nurses or barely answer when they would ask him something. It was incredible embarrassing. Anytime I would bring it up he would just claim he's tired and wants to go to sleep, which I understood because he worked 12 hour shifts and back then he was on the night shifts.. I always tried to schedule my appointments around his work schedule but it honestly didn't seem to matter, he just didn't want to go.  Even with my most recent pregnancy it was the same... mostly. Except this time, I didn't bother begging him to go with me, I just went. He did try and make it a coupletimes... but it wasn't a priority for him.

I have had a lot of health issues the last three years and so many bouts of depression, which maybe was made worst by post partum depression, I honestly dont' know but I'm beginning to think I severly have that, but anyway... I have felt desperately alone all throughout my pregnancies, made worse by the fact that I have awful sickly pregnancies and he would barely touch me. He barely wanted to touch my stomach and rub it. I just felt... ugly. Not beautiful. Not sexy... not wanted.
He would of course still have sex with me and said I was beautiful and sexy even while pregnant and he liked how I looked.. but his entire actions and body language suggested otherwise...
This has GREATLY Impacted me. When we were first married, we had a lot of issues with his sister in always being hateful to me and bullying me, which they didn't do in front of him, but any time I would tell him, he wouldn't believe me. He wouldn't defend me, wouldn't stand up for me. Just was coldly shut off and annoyed that I would keep bringing it up.... (mostly because new things would happen)... after a while, he said he believed me but his words didn't match up with his actions. He wouldn't ever stand up for me. He wouldn't ever defend me.... And this has hugely affected me because ever since then, for all this years, I feel like a small part of me is holding back, a small part of me feels like I cannot fully one hundred percent trust him and that absolutely kills me. I want to let that go, I want to move past it, but I can't. I just can't... I needed him most and needed him to defend me, to believe and he didn't...
Eventually he started catching his sisters treating me like shit and doing things and finally fully believed me about it... still never really spoke up in my defense... He's a very quiet person who doesn't like confrontation...

Eventually over the years, he has kind of learned to defend me to his parents and sisters in a diplomatic way... But it hurts. And it's never stopped hurting.

For the first several years of our marriage he would game non-stop, which I never cared that he gamed, I grew up in a gamer household, but he would prioritize that over me for the longest time. I could never get him to go out and do anything with me, and I desperately wanted to do that. I usually ended up alone and or hanging out with some friends. I kept a clean tight house the first several years of marriage as well, and I never let him clean because he was a crap cleaner and just didn't care enough to do a good job... And it would take him HOURS to clean 30 dishes. Literal HOURS.

When we were first married, I was energized, I had motivation, I got things DONE. I didn't ask for help, I didn't lean on anyone, I just did IT. And if I absolutely had to ask for help, then I would. But it was never my first thought if I needed something, I would attempt it myself first. I worked and I got things done.

The biggest upbringing between my husband and I's, was I raised when you were told to do something you DO IT NOW. He was raised that if he was told to do something, do it when you think of it or when you remember it.
This has been a huge Battle wit him, because he never does anything I ask right off the bat... which okay fine.. I can compromise, I can work with that... But days? Weeks? Months? I cannot do that. I do not want to be your mother.

Eventually as the years came so did children and the load to keep the house clean became to much to bear so I started asking my husband to help with the chores and he did... Sloppily. So fucking sloppily, it was like a toddler had did it.
But hey? no big deal, we have to learn as we go, I understand that.
Years later and nothing has changed. The kitchen is never completely cleaned, the living room is never completely cleaned, the bathroom isn't even touched and neither is our bedroom.

I AM EXHAUSTED.

The kids are messy, they destroy the house within minutes it feels like, but I clean as I go throughout the day so it doesn't get overwhelming and spread all over.
My husband lets me sleep in when he is off, which I am greatly appreciative about... but it almost isn't worth it because when I wake up, literally everything I cleaned the night before doesn't look like I've cleaned it.
There is garbage, clothes, toys, crumbles of food EVERYWHERE and the house looks like a tornado went through it. He hasn't done a single morsel of attempting to keep it clean, he just says he figures he'll clean it up at the end of the day because the kids are just going to keep making messes.......... and yet by the end of the day the house is so fucking destroyed that he gets overwhelmed and doesn't want to do it.

So then I get super upset and start barking orders while I start cleaning and HE gets upset at ME because I'm upset!!!
It is a NEVER ENDING CYCLE. A never ending battle and i'm so fucking exhausted.

I am constantly picking up after him, constantly asking him to pick up after himself, to clean as he goes, let's make it a habit and do better, we got this and nothing changes. I am constantly doing everything myself and errands myself and I feel utterly alone in my marriage. I feel like I'm his mother and he is a moody teenage boy.

I have been asking him for Three months now to spray the house so spiders stop coming in.. He hasn't done it yet. I went grocery shopping by myself and did a big haul and brought three packs of water, I got all the groceries out and then asked him to bring the packs in the next day he had off from work, it took him days.
I asked him to switch out the burned light bulbs in both kids room, did he do it? No. Days passed so I did it myself.
I am not a nagger. I have never been one and I don't want to be one. I will ask a few days within the course of several days and then I will just do it.


He also has been moody the entire time I've known him and has brought my moods down a lot, so much so I honestly really feel like it has had a greater impact on me than I realized and it is a small part of the reason I am struggling with depression.

Even when we were dating, anytime he he would leave he always got into a depressed sad mood and brought my mood down with his, so much so that my mom ended up texting him one day and told him to stop because he was just making me cry and feel sad.

This may be TMI but this entire post is so what the heck: I don't feel passion when we touch or have sex, I'm not a fan of kissing and I have always struggled to get wet/aroused. I thought I was just broken and my body was stupid. I enjoyed sex but it wasn't passionate, wasn't that all consuming passion that makes you want to go for hours... It's always been " well if we have sex yay if we don't oh well" wasn't that big of a deal because I don't feel a burning need too.

I have always been a happy energetic go getter with motivatation, someone who has always been eager for an adventure and fun, laughter.

Now I am a sad depressed *leave me alone* person who barely has enough motivation to get out of bed.

 

Sigh, this all sounds so bad and I sound mean and selfish and I'm not trying to be that way, I am just exhausted and I feel as if I want a divorce and I don't want to feel that way, I want to feel IN Love.

I hate myself for feeling this way, for thinking these thoughts.

He isn't a bad man, he is just a very absentminded person... extremely so... it's just wearing thin... I know he loves me.

Sigh. There is a lot more to the story but this is what I have been thinking. I don't know, I guess I just need some advice...

 

 

User Comments

Well it sounds like your love has mature .... seriously its not young passion and romantic now.... it's stable and secure  for the good and bad of how he is ....This is just about the time it hit me this way. Could be hormnal I think more just a level of new awareness of really loving him for who he is and not for how he makes you feel or what he does for you........this is real love unconditional come what may of loving someone for themselves.

P.S. check with your doctor as your emotions effect the baby and its normal for men to get lest attached as time goes on and the want to do more guy stuff.. It sounds pretty normal to me...and remember we are programmed to romantsize relationships and they change as from less exciting to more stable friendship as time goes bye...Eventully look for thing you both enjoy to do together without the kids.. someday it will be just u2 and youll need this .... Good Luck

 

Depends on your definition for "love", and, have you decided?  ... is it conditional or unconditional?

or, maybe you have temporarily 'fallen out of heat' ...

...and, maybe, simply, he is incapable of providing the love the support you need. 

That is, some partners are broken, and it only shows up later...when thngs are REAL serious...like when a child is on the way.  That's a REAL serious responsibility, ...and, takes a VERY emotionally healthy Mom & Dad co-partnering.

Well assuming all of this is true, "and yes I am assuming it is", you need to talk to your husband, I mean really talk to him, put the children to bed, cook a nice meal, one that hubby likes, and calmly tell him how you are feeling, and that you have been thinking about divorce because you are so depressed, because you feel so unloved, wait for what he has to say, then tell him you love him, but just cant go on living this way any longer, is he really loves you, and loves his children, he will talk to you, but remember you are just talking to him, so don't be a nasty wife when talking things over with your hubby, and above all do not criticise him for everything he should have done, try and talk like a couple in love working things out.

Good Luck.

My advice to you is to get a boyfriend on the side.

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