Suddenly, as I was driving down 95 to Richmond for a gig yesterday, I had an insatiable craving for a snack food... that no longer existed.

VEGETABLE THINS.

Does anyone remember these? They were these little crackers shaped like onions, bell peppers and cucumbers, with real dried vegetables in them. As a kid I was so addicted I would eat them down to the dust at the bottom of the box.

That got me thinking about all the snack foods of yore that have gone the way of the 8-track and terry gym shorts with white piping... oh wait, people are wearing those again. Although I really wish they wouldn't. Those can stay right back there in the 70's where I left them. Especially the icky see-through pastel ones.

Here's a list of beloved junk foods that are no more. Let us all sing a snack requiem.

- Laughing Cow cheese cubes (these were my rewards as a little kid)

- Funny Face Fruit Punches. This was an era of increasing acceptance of alternative lifestyles. As you can see, Mr. Tutti Frutti is definitely gay.



And the With-It Watermelon dude, quite the hippy.



- Dutch Apple and Boysenberry flavored Dannon yogurts... in a waxed cardboard cup. Remember those? Oh wait... I'm really showing my age now. Not a junk food, but definitely extinct... or mutated beyond recognition.

- Dinky Donuts cereal. We used to eat these a lot, once my mom gave up the junky cereal battle.



- Flaky Puffs (my mom never let me buy them!)

- Cookie Crisp (you can't have cookies for breakfast... but you can have these).

- Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and Boo-Berry cereals

- While we're on the cereal tip... remember WAFFLE-O's, which enjoyed a brief 15 minutes of fame in the early 1980's? I was a big fan...

- Ding-Dongs. Do these still exist?

- Sky bars. Does anyone remember the urban legend about the girl who found an ant in one and sued the company for "a million dollars", which was an unspeakable sum in the relatively libel-free 70's?

- And what about Pop Rocks? You know, the story about Mikey, the Life Cereal boy, dying from a fatal combination of Pop Rocks and Coke... totally a myth. I don't even know if anyone died that way.

- Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip. Those little sticks of pure dextrose, dipped in crystalline sugars, artificial colors and malic acid. Yummy.

- Sweet-tart pops, and Charms Blow-Pops. Maybe these still exist, but I haven't seen them. Did anyone else hate the bubble gum in a Charms Blow-Pop as much as I did? It was nasty. Substandard.

- Willy Wonka's Bottle Caps and Dinosaur Eggs. I remember I used to keep a Dinosaur Egg around, licking it periodically, putting it down on the furniture and getting yelled at to pick it up... until it just got all hairy and dusty and gross. I was determined to reach the powdery interior.

- Toffifay. The world's weirdest, most contrived candy. Kind of like a white trash lottery winner who goes to the Ritz and buys poodle jewelry. It's not bad enough to bury a hazelnut in caramel and stick it in a candy cup, but you have to put this weird wanna-be chocolate drizzle on the top.

- And for that matter... why can you go to an ice cream parlor and buy Heath bar mix-ins, but you can't find Heath bars sold individually?

- Rolos. These were great. You can roll a Rolo to your friends...

- Sugar Babies, Sugar Daddies, Sugar Mommies... do any of these exist anymore? What were Sugar Babies made of, anyway? When I was in kindergarten, someone gave me this huge Sugar Daddy pop and I ended up with sore teeth.

- Cadbury's Creme Eggs. I've seen these here are there... far and few between though.

- My personal favorite as a kid: Kinder Ei. These were from Germany, but they started selling them in America in gourmet stores. They were these realistic-sized eggs that were milk chocolate on the outside, white chocolate on the inside, and a real toy in the egg! Usually something with totally tiny, swallowable parts that American parents and authorities would have freaked out about.

- A strange question. Why did canned frosting in the 70's taste so much more awful than it does today? It's just as bad for you as it ever was, but back then, it really TASTED canned.

- Mint milkshakes at McDonald's... they used to do this every March for St. Patrick's day, at least in the Boston area where everything seems to turn green for a month, including the bagels and beer. As a mint-loving child, this was just fine with me.

- Blueberry flavored Hubba Bubba... my favorite as a kid. Now why did it change from blue to purple as I chewed it for a long time? One of the seven mysteries of the universe, right next to the fall of the jiva...

- Orange circus peanuts... I was bribed with these when all else failed for my potty training... they worked; I can still taste them.

- Ketchup-flavored Snyder of Hanover potato chips. In college (ok, the 90's...) these were my favorite junk food snack, although I was already into health food by then. I also liked the Dill Pickle and Lawry's Seasoning Salt flavored ones.

You know, I just remembered my first TV commercial today. It was one of those "Rolaids spells Relief" commercials. I was about five years old and remember thinking, "No it doesn't!"... LOL...

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