So tonight was a very normal night, or morning rather. At about 0300 I went to take a shower as I normally do between 0200 and 0400. I often take my time I spend showering as time to reflect on whatever it is i need to reflect on. Lately I have withdrawn again from people. Not that I have many people to really withdraw from cause there aren't many people who play a daily roll in my life. This normally happens when I am unhappy in my life or somethin is wrong and a lot of timez for the first few days I don't even notice it. About the third or fourth day I realize something is wrong and quickly make the connection to my distancing of people. It's within this time that only the people I really let in are the only people I talk to, and specifically its Jess. As a side note I believe this puts a lot of stress on us and we fight. During these periods I think we fight more.

I began to think about everything I am. I began to think about who I am. I've come to the conclusion that the answer to those questions completely depends on who I am in that particular moment in time. I'll explain. I've pretty much categorized myself under 3 names.

Justin (my real name), This is the person I used to be and occasionally still comes out. He is the nicest of them and is the genuine one. Not many people get the honor of seeing him, If this was like a fort Justin would be the keep. This is why no one sees him because its so hard to get in. This also explains some of the arguments Jessica and I have cause she gets to see him regularly. I described it as "If you aren't worth getting pissed off at you aren't worth much to me at all." She described it as "This is why we work, we know where each other stands [no matter how horrible we are to each other]". Closest religious affiliation Christian. Closest political affiliation Republican.

Jaycee, This is the one you all see, and Id say about 99% of people see. This is half the reason I don't like people using my real name, my personality is completely different. It started out more as someone I wanted to be, and turned more into who I am. Jessica callz this "You fake it till you make it". The quote is relevant because I faked it by wanting to be it and I was it when I finally made it. Closest Religious affiliation Agnostic. Closest political Affiliation Democrat.

Jay,  is the last one. This one is also out for everyone to see, unlike "Justin" who really is only available to a few people. Unlike Jaycee however this one also stays hidden. Jay is spiteful, full of hate. Not pleasant to be around, for me or for you. No religious or political affiliation.

I also want to add that I was reincarnated from a female, this is a whole nother story and I call her my alter just for simplicity.

I want to tell you that no I do not have Multiple Personality Disorder so don't get concerned about that. 

That's your insight into me. Here's how it ties in. I thought back to my US Army dayz when I was medically discharged. I remember my 1SG commenting on the situation "Clark? (My last name) The one that's always so happy in formation?" I thought about why he would say that. I certainly wasn't happy, and tho I was not suicidal I showed a lot of the warning signs. Signs that apparently no one in my 500 person Battalion noticed. 

Then it sorta hit me. I remember back to when I was getting a divorce, which was essentially when everything kicked off. My NCOIC(Non Commissioned Officer In Charge), said to me "Are you alright Clark?" I answered "Yes." He said "Really? Because I think you wear these masks, and you only let us see the one you want us to see". This theory was also something that a friend had when I was talking to her last week. Well the kicker here is they are completely right. Now granted I completely believe I have more than the 3 masks and whatever influence my alter haz over me but those are the 4 I acknowledge.

So what's the point in all this. Some people might call this an Identity crisis, but I really would have to disagree. I think this is just normal. It's normal for me and haz been for a few years. It's how I live life and I think I get thru just fine. To many timez people get caught up in an issue and turn around and say "Whats wrong with me". I'm here to tell you that personally, no matter what anyone else says, theres nothing wrong with you. It's normal. Just because one person can call you weird doesn't mean you are. We live in a world that's almost dominated by what society says, what your political or religious affiliations tell you is right and when something falls out of the norm we think there must be something wrong. But there's nothing wrong. There's something wrong when your laying in bed with a headache and you have a towel next to the bed just in case. To a lot of you the fact that i named my most dominate masks prolly seems weird, and the fact that I know when my alterwantz me to do something is weird, but to me its not, and I don't care what you think cause its my life not yours and I'm doing very well for myself and am happy with where I am.

I only want everyone to realize that life is not black and white like we think it is or it should be and there is nothing wrong with us. We should all stand tall with who we are, and have confidence in ourselves even if its not the norm.

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