When is an apology more than just words?  I have found myself wondering this very statement.  In past years it seems that I hear "I'm sorry" so often that it has lost its sincerity.  I have even found myself saying "I'm sorry" for acts of inconvenience.  It is these times that I believe add to the feelings of a fake apology.

     Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela goes into this concept in great depth in her book A Human Being Died That Night.   Pumla is a trained clinical psychologist that was appointed to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) in post-Apartheid South Africa.  In her book she talks of the many TRC public hearings that she listened to.  During these she found herself surprised by the ability of some victims to grant forgiveness to their perpetrators.  How and why would some victims give forgiveness for the horrific acts of violence that they lived through?  I believe that forgiveness is more for the victims sense of relief.  Relief from the hatred and resentment that one feels toward the perpetrator.  With this being said, What leads the victim to be able to give forgiveness?

     Pumla states that there must be something in the perpetrator's behavior, some "sign," that invites the victim's forgiveness.  The most crucial sign is an expression of remorse. (p98)  It is this sign of remorse that I feel is most important.  Remorse is a type of validation to the victim.  A validation that the hurt and pain felt by the victim is understood and real.  With remorse should come a sincere apology.  To be able to "perform," an apology has to name the deed, acknowledge wrongdoing, and recognize the pain of the victim.  Such an apology conveys a sense of regret and deeply felt remorse.  "Saying it makes it so."  A remorseful apology inspires empathy and forgiveness. (p99)  

     I believe that without the remorseful acknowledgement of the deed and the pain felt by the victim, there can be no certainty that the perpetrator will not repeat their actions.  If the perpetrator can acknowledge that what they did was wrong and the pain they caused then the victim can have a sense that history may not repeat itself.

     It is the denial of knowing about the atrocities in South Africa by some high ranking official that concerns me.  Without the government officials accepting responsibility for their part in Apartheid, how can we be sure that society is truly learning from the past?

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