Paranoid

Running and running and running without end

Begging for you to understand while saying I do not need a friend

Hiding from a life I could never quite understand

How do you grow up when you could never be a man?

Locking yourself away for weeks at a time

Taking anything you could find that would destroy your mind

Popping pills for breakfast and drinking a fifth for lunch

You slammed your face against a wall thinking you dodged a punch

Peeping through the blinds anytime you hear a bird

Muttering prayers to yourself while not understanding a single word

Locked inside of a room with plenty of pills and liquor

Saying you are fine while you were just getting sicker

Looking out of windows all hours of the night

Sleeping all day and you know this is not right

Maybe it was the bullet or maybe it was the drugs

Perhaps it was living a life without love

Forgetting the perfect childhood while taking pills to become someone else

Have you ever looked into the mirror and not recognized yourself??

Have you ever touched your face and felt like this can not be real?

Have you ever sat with a razor against your wrist and thought that you must kill

Thought that none of this will end unless you make it final?

Like when the DJ is ready to end his show but lost his favorite vinyl

Have you ever been so afraid that opening a door made you want to drown in sorrow?

And told your best friend you would pay him back if it was just a dollar you could borrow?

Knowing you would spend it on another drink or some pills

Praying to God that you would finally just be killed

Crying yourself to sleep inside of a room you never leave

How many know what it is like to truly grieve?

When you fall apart at noon and sleep it off before company arrives

When the party is in the living room but you are locked away planning your suicide

Trapped in a bathroom with a razor to your wrist

Please tell me God why did it end up like this?

Why did you rip apart a life that was so magic?

Just so I could drown in every breath that is so tragic

My Father my Lord My God and my Savior

If only You would grant your servant this one favor

Show me my purpose so I do not always feel so lost

Allow me to be your prophet and show others the cost

The cost of not believing and how the end is coming fast

My Father My Lord please give me the will to last

AMEN

© 2023 J.E.M.

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