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3071 Don't Do It!!

Added: Tuesday, February 21st 2012 at 1:02pm by fangio821
Related Tags: home

Have you ever gone through a day thinking about doing something, and all through that day you have been pulled and pushed too and fro trying to make up your mind one way or the other, then you finally make up your mind.

And it’s the wrong decision.

Well, this has been one of those days.  Something happened to me this morning and for half of the day at least I wondered about putting it down in writing for Blogster.  Considering that when it happened one of the first things my wife did was to telephone our neighbours and a friend who lives some distance from us, and I heard them laughing even though there were brick walls between us, I still thought it was a good idea to write about it.  It might help me. I thought.

What happened was not at all nice, in fact it was very painful and could have ended up with me in hospital, but English people being the sort they are, and my friends being the really really sick sorts they are, it was probably inevitable that they would crack up in the end.  Well, not so much in the end, more like after they had made the obligatory sympathetic noises of ‘Ooo! Bet that hurt’ and ‘Oh dear.  Don’t like the sound of that’ and ‘Oh bloody hell.  Is he alright?’

Then, all thoughts of sympathy, caring, concern went flying through the window so quickly you would think there was no glass in the frames.  Then the laughter and comments started, and they have not stopped since.  So how did all this kick off in the first place?  Well, in the first place I have been suffering from Sciatica for a few weeks, and recently have developed a cold and a cough as well.  For those of you not blessed with the Sciatica condition a word of explanation.

The Sciatic nerve runs down your back to your lower lumbar region where it bifurcates (splits in two you ignoramuses) and then continues down each leg.  When affected this causes pain to shoot down your backside (both cheeks) and on to the rear of your thighs and then onto your calves.  The pain is similar in many respects to that experienced when you stick your finger into the live socket of an electrical plug on the skirting board.  It bloody hurts!

Some mornings the pain has been slight, other mornings it has been bad.  Every morning it can be brought on by a bout of coughing, so mornings are a bit of a delicate time for me recently as I try not to cough too hard so as to minimise the electric shock treatment in my backside and legs.  Some days it works, others it doesn’t.  Today it didn’t.

I was in the bedroom stark naked as nature brought me into this world and had my clothes laid out on the bed.  I reached for a pair of underpants and started to put them on.  I bent down and put one leg through one hole and then the other leg into the other hole – you still with me?  Then I coughed, hard, and shot upright with the surprise.  A 600 volt electric shock passed through each cheek of my backside and down each thigh and then calf.  I shouted in pain and surprise and stood upright very quickly, too quickly as it turns out.

As I had my feet in the underpants leg holes and had hold of the top of the garment with my hands, then quite naturally my hands lifted the garment quickly over my legs and into the correct position for wearing them.  Around my waist.  But they went a bit too far up, and the left leg hole caught against and tweaked part of my anatomy which was hanging down on that side of my body.  Do you get the picture, or would you like me to spell it out for you?  The underpant leg tweaked and twisted my left testicle.  Got it? 

Now for the men reading this you will appreciate what happens next.  You stand absolutely motionless wondering if you have got away with tweaking one or other of them.  This can take some time if you have the murmurings of pain or discomfort coming from one or other side of your scrotum.  I stood there for two minutes, hardly daring to breath too deeply in case I had smacked them.  Nothing happened, so I breathed a sigh of relief and continued to dress myself.

It was not until I started to walk downstairs that I felt the onset of pain in my nether regions which indicated that I had not got away with anything. The pain started to rise until it was too painful to move, but I struggled to the sofa and sat down.  Big mistake.  Allowing anything at all, including a feather duster, though why I should think of a feather duster at that point I do not know, would simply cause a pain like the horn of a Brahmin bull piercing my testicles.  After sitting for a few minutes I dragged myself up the stairs and very very gently lay my throbbing body down on the bed and closed my eyes in an effort to try and get the pain to go away.  It didn’t.

After a few minutes I heard the bedroom door push open very gently and moved my head and right eye in the direction of the door.  I caught sight of Lucy’s head coming round the door.  “Go and get Polly” I said to her. She lay down on the floor just where my feet would hit the floor if I was foolish enough to try and swing my legs over the side of the bed.  I fell back onto the bed in a state of extreme pain.  There were bits of me which had not experienced pain like that since the time my first wife accidentally kneed me in that region shortly after we were first married and when sex was still something to be carried out at any time of day or night and in any room you happened to be at the time the urge gripped you, which was pretty much anywhere and anytime.   I digress.

So, five minutes later my dear sympathetic wife came to look for me and immediately insisted that she should telephone for the doctor after I had explained what had happened, and that this had not been the first time.  I agreed and after a few minutes came back into the bedroom to tell me the doctor would make a house call after morning surgery.  I lay back on my bed of pain, then made my way downstairs to resume the same position on the sofa. 

She went next door to make alternative arrangements with the neighbours for something she had lined up for later that day, then telephoned our friends to do the same thing with them.  Obviously they had to be informed of the reason, which is normal.

One hour later, the pain disappeared.  Completely, totally, and I hope for ever.  As I said, I have had this sort of thing before.  It is where the cord holding the testicle to terra firma becomes twisted, and generates pain.  This is what had happened, and the disappearance of the pain was an indication that the cord had straightened itself out.  The doctors visit was cancelled and neighbours and friends told of the outcome. 

Shall I say that both families are now well and truly scrubbed from my Christmas card list as a result of the comments they came out with over the telephone.

And, as I said at the head of this piece, I don’t know if I am doing the right thing in writing about it.  Time will tell.


User Comments

Oh...wow.. i can't think of any word except... 


I hope you're feeling better. I really do.

Thanks Rica, feeling 100% better now.  The pain left almost as quickly as it arrived.

I have had some sciatica issues off and on as part of lower-back tweaking. I've found that it's easier to put on pants while sitting down due to the pain of bending over or down.

I've had some ... of that sort of pain, but not from getting dressed and it hasn't gone away that quickly before. (Lying down helps.)


... I was expecting another copper story :-)


Whenever. I'm sure you have one or two more to tell. When I started reading this, I thought it was going to be another one, that's all, since the last couple had been.

OUCH! I have had sciatica problems as well...but I have to admit I was laughing reading your post.....sorry. It took 5 weeks before I could put my left foot on the ground or my knee lower than my waist. I slept in bed with pillows under my legs to keep the pain to only  excruciating.

Thank goodness I am lacking the portion of anatomy you hurt.

I'm glad you had a good laugh about it.  needless to say it was not funny at the time, but God gave me a good sense of the ridiculous so I am able to laugh at it now, and sit down very very carefully.

Is that similar getting your knickers in a twist?   or more like getting your balls in an uproar?  I'll quit before I get booted off the Christmas card list.  Seriosly, if you could do it again I'll film it and send it in to America's Funniest Videos...we'd get the 10,000 dollars for sure and probably the 100,000 prize as well...we'll just have to figure out how to do a little pixelation on the affected area.  Just a little bit.

It would only be a tiny pixilated bit too BFD.  If it happens again though I would hope we could go 50/50 on the 10,000 dollars!!  Even if it is just for the pain side of things.


This should be meaningful to ya, lad!

Thanks BFD.  Heart warming.lol

Fangio, you need to take that sciatic nerve issue seriously.   One day I was bending over toweling off after a shower and coughed such as you did.  I couldn't and didn't  straighten up for three days!  Had to have major surgery two years later so I know how that one feels.

I can't relate to the kicked in the gonads pain,  but add that to the sciatic pain and it must have been horrific!   Yeoweeee!!

It was fun!!!  It was like arguing with greatmartin!!!

Fangio, i have had the problem of sciatica with a paying that started in my lower back and down my right leg into my big toe it was so bad that I could not stand for the sheet to touch my big toe, relating to the other problem you had I can only say ouch. James news

Thank you James!! 

I'v had sciatica, limped for 6 months. Bought a shiatsu massage chair, used it a few times (hurt like Hell the first few sessions) and the problem has basically stopped.

My brother had a recurring twisted testicle problem...I told him it couldn't possibly be worse than labor...

Sit down when you get the urge for self-abuse....think about it and I'm sure you will talk yourself out of it next time! LOL

Brad's right, it's not a bad idea to dress yourself while seated.

Your description was agonizing....

Thanks for the advice about self-abuse - I'm afraid the hormone treatment for the prostrte cancer has finished any thougths about that!!

Oh crap! Sorry about that Fangio.

Hey, don't be sorry.  There has to be a bright side for everything.  if it had not been for the cancer and all its side effects and ramifications I would not have my dear wife Polly.  

You are close to my age Fangio and I applaud your happiness! The fact that you live your life with humor (and equal parts of bitching) show there's a lot of living you have left to do sir.

Humor, combined with the ability to see the ironies in life I believe is the healthiest thing we can have.


Thanks Ajay.  I work with a lot of people who are really ill, and they give me a lot of inspiration to carry on bitching, and to inject some humour into it as well.


You poor thang! I can relate in a way in that I have problems with my sciatic nerve. It's either a pinch or a spur which has caused me chronic lower back pain for about 10 years now. now and then i'll do something simple like stand up from sitting in a chair and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZap....that pain you are talking about shooting down your butt into your leg. GAWD it hurts. That only happens seldom although I always have a pain in my lower back that I can put my finger on exactly the place it's coming from. My doc says to just take pain meds when it gets too back, walk, stretch it...he says a neurologist will talk surgery and I don't want to deal with anyone cutting near my spine.

So while this was.....humorous ;-)  I truly feel your pain my friend!!  ^..^

Thanks ILC.  Sorry you are sffuering from the sciatica.  Maybe we should start a new club on blogster and entrance is by medical condition.  That should get things moving a bit.

LOL..I'm only hitting 60 this year and already have a long list....besides the sciatica, I've had surgery on my elbow for "tennis elbow" and I've never played tennis, and just had surgery in december on my hand to fix pain from osteo-arthritis...just graduated from physical therapy today. but both surgeries were out-patient and corrected the initial problem. i like those kinds of ailments!

That's one reason I don't wear underwear--and there area couple of other reasons that we won't get into now.

'The pain is similar in many respects to that experienced when you stick your finger into the live socket of an electrical plug on the skirting board.' Never did that but then I don't know what a skirting board is.


GM, it is a baseboard, I believe.

I think we are talking about the same thing here NOTA.  It's the piece of wood around the bottom of a wall close to the floor. 

I think it was the bending down and coughing which started everything kicking off, didn't have much to do with wearing underwear.  But thanks for your concern....

I wish you would learn to talk American--I did learn to talk some English!!!!


Yeah!  :O)

Yes it is ....

And I thought this was going to be a story about how your sciatica-wracked self couldn't get up off the couch. I'm never quite sure what to say to a man who gets racked - get well soon? 

You could have offered to rub it better, but perhaps not.

{#rofl.gif} {#rofl.gif} {#rofl.gif} {#rofl.gif}

Almost reminds me of the scene in Something About Mary where Ben Stiller zips up and catches his balls in it.    OUCH.....

I thought you'd be quiet today but looks like you've been having a ball over there.

All I can say is better you than me.  I don't wanna hafta think about that.  You're lucky Polly didn't figure you were already in pain so now was the time to give you a good bikini wax.....

She comes anywhere near me with a bikini wax and she is dead meat!! 

And, yes, we were having a ball over here - mine.

man !! u are sooo frail. thats funny , LOL.

BTW i liked the story . i hope u get better soon !! and for that sciatica thing , it can get worse u better consult a good doctor.

All the doctor say is painkillers.  Thanks for the comments though.

Never had Sciatic probs  and they called me "Old Iron Nuts" when I pinned cattle. My I suggest the next time that happens get on a horse and take it for a trot.

Thank you so much for those few kind words of wisdow HOW.  Remind me never to ask you for advice again......lol

I have a friend who's a nurse that suffers from this so understand the intense pain that can be debilitating. Do hope you are doing better now, Fangio.

I could share a story with you but it would have to be via a personal note..not for public reading about what happened to a friend of mine with a similar problem one day plus making a poor decision. I can laugh now but it wasn't funny that night!

I am 100% recovered now thanks Hershey.  It went just as quickly as it arrived, thank goodness.

OmgI hope you're okay! :(

I'm fine thanks Savagette.  Went to see my doctor this morning, told him how it happened and he nearly choked with laughing so much.  Glad he has the same sense of humour as myself.

I feel your big ouch!Have the same problems at times,if it stays cortisone shots really help.love how you men describe illness though lol omg!Be well:)stay out of trouble too lol!

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