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Only The Mind Can make A Hell Of Heaven - Or A Heaven In Hell.
Like always I have been observing things that have been going on around me. What has attracted my attention is how people have been relating to one another.
It seems that our current economic climate has bred some pretty desperate people out there because the crime rates have escalated quite a bit.
But what really makes me cringe are news reports informing how some women have been disappearing off the face of the earth. Killed by lovers and husbands.
People don't comprehend that there is absolutely no excuse for abuse of your mates. This country's jails are filled with stories of how criminals have been beaten by family members when they were children. Or have witnessed their fathers beating their mothers. It seems that these criminals repeat the patterns that their fathers have imprinted upon them.
If its all about patterns people aren't as helpless as you have been taught to think. We all have it within our power to change those negative patterns. In essence, we have complete control over our destiny, how we are going to live our lives in the present and in the future.
Lawyers are always quick to use the well worn diagnosis, "Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Alcohol fogged minds made them do it. He is repeating a pattern that has been passed down to him by his father."
Give me a break. Those excuses are just another run of lies in a world that's already full of deceptions.
I really can't understand it when women continue to hang around their abusive husbands and boyfriends.
Powerless?
Filled with fear?
Hanging on because of the children?
Get out of there as fast as you can!
Know that your situation will escalate over time and you are risking ending up just like those women in the news.
Breaking old patterns is what its all about.
It has nothing to do with courage to be a real man and a real woman. Yes, women beat their husbands too.
But beating one's mate is not the only form of abuse.
There is psychological abuse. Where it seems that the abused person just can't do anything right.
There is manipulative abuse. Where the person can't breathe at all without having to answer their cell phone every five minutes. Or they have to report to their mates on the hour every hour throughout the day.
Or you abuser may keep calling you on the hour to check up on you when you are out and about. (He lets you go out with family and friends grudgingly).
The victim may be forced to dress a certain way. That is quite evident in some foreign countries where religion is used as an excuse for that type of manipulation. In this country there is absolutely no reason or rhyme for those demands.
Abusers tend to use the word Sorry a lot. They always ask for forgiveness after beating their wives and children to a pulp.
Don't be fooled by those words because they are coming from trolls who have no real sense of compassion within their hearts.
They are psychotic and they are sadistic. Both of which have no sense of guilt. That condition is called sociopathic behavior.
If you are a victim who is being controlled and manipulated by someone else. If you are being isolated by another. Beaten or threatened.
Get out of there!
Especially if you have children. No child should be made to suffer that. Know that you are living within a family unit that is quite dysfunctional. In many cases that dysfunctionality can't be repaired.
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Thank you for your candor and openess. You are one of the very few who have grasped the reins on those five horses called the senses. Peace. |
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Good points! Society, governments, schools.....TEACH and PROMOTE.....it's better and easier to be a VICTIM in bondage, than to be a RESPONSIBLE free individual. |
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Thanks! Unfortunately that not on the curriculum in schools. |
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U R Welcome. Schools are part of the problem. Some teachers are caught in the snare of the administration, some teachers are weavers of the web. AND the KIDS, they lose either way. |
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Feeling powerless or fearful can be paralyzing, especially if the abuse has been so ongoing as to have an abused spouse believing they are worthless. As far as a spouse hanging onto an abusive marriage "for the kids": A wife/husband needs to ask themselves what the kids are seeing and absorbing that makes even a moment's thought about sticking around a good idea and secondly, what possible help can a mother/father be to their children if they're laying in a hospital bed with their teeth shoved down their throat...or worse. |
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PS - Great post, ayesart. |
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Thanks! There's a pattern that can be broken and it depends upon the child that has grown up in a dysfunctional marriage. The part where you wrote where the spouse is feeling and believing they are worthless comes about via the manipulation process the abuser has been exerting upon the victim. Thanks again for your input. |
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And once again the wrong people are being blamed--teachers, school, government, etc. and no one is looking to the home--in most cases and abuser has/was abused as a child--they are 'just' doing what they have been taught as you point out but 'We all have it within our power to change those negative patterns.' They are not aware the patterns are negative--they are getting attention for negative patterns and negative attention is better than no attention at all. I would like to meet a teacher who teaches and promotes abuse or to abuse--by the time and abused or abuser student gets to school they have already learned their parent's ways--sad. The abused parent believes they are saving their kids from abuse--or more abuse--and they won't walk out leaving their kids--they are scared, in most cases peniless, alone as parents and people have turned their back on them. Look they are victims, they have the mind set of victims and just saying "You don't have to be a victim" does not help--they need to be shown, in baby steps and hearing it time and time again, how they can/must get out of their situation. Sorry didn't mean to get this long but blaming the victim doesn't help--teaching them the way out is. |
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Hi: Not blaming the victim at all. But am blaming the abuser 100 percent. Teachers are powerless as far as only being able to report the abuse to Social service agency. The Social Service agency in some cases is very limited in what they can do. They can force the abuser via the courts to submit to a psyche eval. But I have seen it first hand where the abuser can be putting up walls to avoid diagnosis. The courts get the drift that the abuser was being evasive. That's it. No help for the abuser or the abused except a divorce. The child gets limited help via psyche via the Social Service agency....But not enough to say the child is free of the pattern of abuse. The mother who now suffers from PTSD, gets limited help via psyche via Social Services. But that's it if she finally gets a fair paying job. No more help comes. |
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Teachers often refer a child whose in an abusive situation to the psyches because they feel the child is too hyperactive and think the child is suffering from ADD or ADHD. That child acts that way because they are nerve shot from seeing the abuse. The teacher's scope is very limited because all they see is a child who disrupts the class. Thanks for sharing. |
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Back in 2000, I worked for over a year at our local domestic violence shelter as a resident's assistant. I worked directly with the women and children in shelter. Also, over the last 20+ years, we've had several women land on our doorstep who were going through or had been through various types of domestic abuse. It's easy for those of us who have never been abused to think, "Well...they should just leave." Trust me, it's not that easy. Just like you explained above, that most abusers were raised in an abusive household (statistically, about 70%), so is often the case with abusees (again, about 70%). The behaviors are usually set in stone from a pretty early age. For abusers, even if they are truly motivated--they want to change, they don't want to lose their family, go through all the counseling, parenting classes, anger management courses, etc., etc....only about 10% or so are capable of any major long-term change. The odds for abusees are somewhat better, but still not great. I can't tell you how many women I have known personally, or who I've worked with at the shelter who finally get out of one abusive relationship, only to jump right into another one with some slimeball just as bad if not worse...even after going through all the counseling, etc. My best friend was in a somewhat abusive relationship for years--he wasn't one of the really bad ones, but could be pretty mean at times. A year or two later she met this guy. She brought him out for dinner, because she really wanted our honest opinion of him. After a few hours around him, I told her 'there's something really wrong with this guy, and I would advise you to run the other direction as fast as you can.' Of course, she didn't listen. Needless to say, I have to listen to her frequently telling me what a jerk he is. He is pretty mean to her a lot of the time, and altho hasn't gotten physical with her in the past few years, has been known to push and knock her around in the past. I just went through several years of it with my niece. She kept going back because he had managed to get custody of the kids. Finally, last spring she got a good DCF caseworker who recognized her husband was the problem and a major abuser, went to court with her to get custody back. When he started stalking her and tracked her down to three DV shelters, she left the state, and is now several states away with three little kids, struggling to try to make it, a long ways from family and friends.
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Thanks for you input and sharing here. I know what you mean when you say that only 10 percent overcome their pattern of abuse. It gets worse if the abuser puts up a wall to avoid diagnosis in a psyche eval. I personally know someone who has married and abused eight women. His last wife is divorcing him. During the court ordered process of psyche eval he came away without that diagnosis. On the self truth test he failed because of his deception tactics. a lot of abusers suffer from some form of psyche disorder. These are dangerous like the one I have described above. Thanks for your sharing here. |
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In the case of niece's husband, he is a really nasty controller, just mean-spirited and mean in general, and at times physically abusive. The children absolutely hated him and were terrified of him. I don't know if he ever went for a psych eval during all this court crap the last 4 years or so. He had a history of a couple suicide attempts prior to that, as well a DV on a previous girlfriend...he hurt her badly enough she required surgery. Unfortunately, niece's court appointed attorney was a completely incompetent idiot. We made a list of all the things he'd lied about in court, a list of his psychiatric history, paid for a background check which came up with more stuff including the previous DV charges...and her idiot attorney never presented any of that information to the court. And her husband had been assigned the PD's office best attorney. Her husband had convinced DCF that he was the good guy, and niece was the terrible person. He had convinced a number of people in the Christian community around here that he was wonderful. So many of these people, including a pastor or two, went to bat for him with excellent references, etc. Last year he slapped the oldest girl...at school, in front of staff. Of course they called DCF on him immediately. That was when DCF finally began to see his true colors, and the new caseworker took niece's side and helped her in court to get them back. He didn't want to take care of the kids. He was horrible about all the day-to-day of childcare, didn't want to be bothered. He wanted custody of the kids in order to control niece. He knew that she wouldn't leave the kids, so he had her where he wanted her. |
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Getting custody of kids meant he doesn't have to pay child support via the courts to wife. Another aspect of controlling and abusing the system as well as the wife. Most abusers paint themselves as being friendly and nice guys out there to people in general. Whilst they are trolls on the inside. Court appointed attorneys are bad for your mental health as well as representing you in court. Most abused women get court appointed attorneys, unfortunate for them because they don't have money. Abusers will control the checking and the savings accounts this works to control the woman even further so she can't run from them. Thanks for sharing. Hoping this will help persons who are being abused as well as children who have grown up from abusive situations. |
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He didn't have to pay child support anyway...he's on disability due to a genetic muscle disease. His daughter (now 6) gets a disability check, as she has the same disease. I'm sure he hated giving that up when she left, and it started going back to niece. |
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Social Security Disability empowers children of disabled persons by supporting these children with a monthly check. No money is taken out of the disabled parent's disability fund. It comes out of a general fund. So he is still sitting there getting money. If he is disabled he should know better than to abuse someone else. |
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The daughter's SSI check isn't a 'child support' thing at all. She has the disease, and has all kinds of problems from it, including a repressed immune system, so she is sick a lot. She doesn't get any kind of assistance for the 3 y/o boy who is also his. |
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He is also a classic case of being raised in an abusive family. So unfortunately, it's what he knows and thinks is normal. |
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Is she on SSDI? Does she make more than he does? If she does she should go down to the SS office and change the way the child is being paid by the father to being paid by her. Providing she is making more than he is. |
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Abusers suffer from a plethora of mental conditions. 1: Schizophrenia arises from extreme physical abuse as well as nutritional defic. If a child is being abused most likely they aren't being fed too. 2: Bipolar conditions come in many levels. 3: PTSD, post traumatic symptoms come into play just by seeing and experiencing one's parent getting abused. It creates a very high strung child that is often misdiagnosed as having ADD or ADHD. 4: Criminal insanity arises from various disorders, sociopathy, psychotic etc. |
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This guy was supposed to be on meds for bipolar, but didn't take them. I think he likely also has another condition like narccisism or is mildly sociopathic. |
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His bad for not taking his medication that would allveviate his bipolarism condition. Unfortunate for him because not only is he causing misery to himself but that misery extends to others as well. Mildly sociopathic tells it all because it indicates that he has no sense of guilt for his actions. The narcism is quite classic as a diagnosis for abusers. |
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No guilt whatsoever. He believes he's in the right, no matter what. He uses his religion to justify some of his behaviors. He absolutely believes that HE is scripturally right in controlling niece and being mean to her and the kids. I'm not really afraid of hardly anybody or anything, but this guy terrifies me. He came after us once, because we were helping her. He really caused us a serious, major problem that stressed me so bad it triggered a lower GI bleed that put me in the hospital for 8 days. He's still here in town. A guy friend of mine runs into him around town every week or so, and keeps me posted. Niece is many states away from here, so hopefully he'll never find her. She had to get the van titled for the state she's in, and was really concerned, because it's titled in "and"...which means his signature is required. She made a few phone calls and went into DMV yesterday. Explained the situation and showed them her restraining order giving her possession of the van, and they processed it and removed his name, and will be issuing a new title and registration. She's getting ready to file divorce papers very soon. Went to another city to open a PO Box for that purpose. So even if he should try to go there to find her, he'll be looking in the entirely wrong city. |
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In light of what you have written here today and the grief and physical suffering he caused you that landed you in the hospital, you too can file a restraining order on him. Know that these type of people tend to fight for custody of their children very hard. She has to prove that he is a danger to those children. Any police records she can dig up on him as well as mental health records would be very good for the divorce case. If Social Services was involved she should have copies of that case. |
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He knows he's dead meat if he shows up anywhere near our property...as dumb as he is in some ways, he's smart enough to know better. She has the restraining order which lists some of the things he's done. She called her former DCF caseworker, and he's going to try to get her a copy of the court proceeding, where DCF told the judge they didn't want him having any contact...not even visitation...with the children. |
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That's good that DCF is helping her make her case against him. But you know the legal system works finnicky and often comes up with surprises. |
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I was in am abusive marriage. It took me years to go to a marriage counselor. I went for a solid year. My ex went three times, the last time I told him I had filed for divorce. He want to talk to me. Asked if I would give him 90 days to "prove he could change". I told him no. His response..."My Mother said it would never last." I was supposed to feel guilty.... After 29 YEARS, that is what he said....manipulator to the last... I have been single for almost as long as I was married and intend to stay that way. |
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Thanks for sharing your experience. |
"I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can..."
There's never an excuse for abuse, even The Beatles sang about it...I don't understand how people who love one another can inflict the worst harm upon each other...I am fortunate, the abuse I witnessed as a child was minor and it made me a better adult by not repeating my father's mistakes (though i make enough of my own mistakes, lol)...he was never physical with mom, just emotional/psychological abuse/manipulation...he's learned and grown too, since their divorce and in his senior years, he's become a gentler person.
Thoughtful subject to ponder...I hope you help others too!
Peace.