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Why I am the Queen of Hearts
I've always had a tender heart. When I know one of my friends, relatives, or neighbors is in need, or pain, experiencing want, or simply lonely, I reach out to offer help, whether that be financially, emotionally, or spiritually.
Yes, I've been suckered a time or two because I've also reached out to total strangers. But I'd rather go to my grave knowing I'd been decieved than wondering if I could have blessed someone, somewhere down the line, and missed the opportunity to do so.
Am I being self-righteous when I say "blessed?" Not at all. For I myself have been touched by strangers in my darkest moments, strangers who came and stayed, becoming friends and lovers, as well as strangers who blessed me and disappeared, leaving me speechless with their kindness and generosity, restoring my faith in mankind, if only for a short time.
Then some random hater or another arrives on the scene of my life to fuck that faith up again, and the thing I can't understand is the cold intensity of some people's hatred. Their refusal to let go, to get over whatever wrong they felt they've been done, and give themselves the blessing of forgiveness.
And that's a major blessing, because as some sit around hating and scheming and plotting their revenge, the object of their derision is probably enjoying a drink with a friend, working on a project, or engaged in other pleasurable pursuits, not giving the haters a second thought.
And when they are given a second thought, it's a kind one. It's a question. What made them so hard? So cold? So unforgiving?
Or better yet, what made them feel they need to PRETEND to be so hard, so cold, so unforgiving? Because only the deeply wounded, the irreperably broken, can put up a wall of ice like that, regardless of it's authenticity.
In closing, I'll quote the Bible; John 14:12 "In my father's house, there are many rooms."
We may never share a room, but on the internet, there are many kingdoms. If you are happy playing the Queen of Ice, suit yourself. But for me, my blood runs hot, not cold, and as painful as it may be at times, I am happy to be the Queen of Hearts. Go ahead, make me bleed, every drop, every tear, will be a blessing.
And like all blessings, the ripples created will touch far away places that even the hater could not anticipate.
Peace.
(Ps, there is a tag for hate on Blogster, but not one for forgiveness. Seems fitting, but I wish someone would correct it.)
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Yes, I understand completely. I was raised in a family like yours, we have our fits, we get it all out, and then we make up and carry on. I think people who are raised in the first sort of family you mention, those who are taught to suck it up and hold it in, suffer greatly when confronted by those of us who are hot-blooded. They simply don't know what to do with us, so they hate because it's easy. |
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This is a wonderful post! I agree with arkmom. A lot of it has to do with upbringing. I was a pastor's daughter in a very small, rural town in Iowa. My parents were all about helping, doing for others whenever possible. We were poorer than the proverbial church mice, so they weren't in a position usually to help out people financially, but in any other way the were very giving. By their giving of time, energy, effort and other ways, they were in turn often blessed by people of less limited means when there was a financial need in our family. I've pretty much been the same way most of my adult life, at least up til recent years. Hubby is, too. Due to health issues and extreme financial constraints, not much I can do for anybody these days. But over the years, many people have passed through these doors...some of them people with so many problems, that most people wouldn't have even attempted to help them. Yes, we've been screwed over a few times...sometimes badly. But many more have been helped with the help we were able to provide, than have not. Only one person in this world I've never quite forgiven--don't know that I ever will. But I don't dwell on it or let it become an issue that affects my life. I'm a strong believer in "What goes around, comes around"...sooner or later. I don't have to 'get even'...God, or life itself will take care of that eventually. |
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"Due to health issues and extreme financial constraints, not much I can do for anybody these days" Don't underestimate the value of your company online, or your quiet wisdom and calming influence. I know you. You're the type of person who would hand over their last few dollars to someone you felt was in greater need than yourself in their moment of crisis, so let's not forget the fable of the widow's mite and its inherent worth. Your good deeds will come back around to bless you when you least expect it. At least, that's been my experience. When you feel all hope is lost, that's when angels appear. :) |
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Thanks for the kind compliments. Back when I sometimes had a last few dollars in my purse, I would sometimes give it to others. Nowadays??? I'm not sure I know what a 'last few dollars' looks like...lol! We've got a situation here now, where I'm hoping that some of the good stuff we've done will come back to us soon. |
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Amen to that Kathi!! |
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Thank you Kat! We're hanging in, hoping and believing, altho nothing is happening right now. |
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Strong post here, Dame :) I've had the priviledge to see many sides of you, based on posts, comments, and whatnot. I know deep inside and the feeling is devastatingly strong, whereas I can say you have such a good heart. Of course, you don't need me to address it but I just wanted you to know. I experience the same things as well. ;0 Btw, sorry if I sound rude but when is your birthday? I've been reading numerology for the past 3 years and have been dying to know your life path number. You don't have to answer if you don't want to :) |
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Will send you a PM! |
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Hatred eats at the soul like a cancer. You simply can't get on with a happy life by holding grudges, hating, and seeking revenge. It takes a strong person to ask forgiveness from one they have wronged and we know that forgiveness is devine. I think nurture has a lot to do with the way people are as adults. Some are raised believing that toughness means being mean as hell because if not, they are showing weakness. Lacking spiritual guidance plays a role as well. A person raised by the golden rule will live by the golden rule.
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In regards to toughness, I think it requires more courage and toughness to be open and vulnerable than it does to maintain an air of superficiality while adamantly claiming you "do not give a shit" what others think. When we open ourselves, when we expose our soft underbellies to the enemy, we are saying "Give it your best shot, I can take it, and I can forgive you before you've even pulled the trigger." I've rolled over with this post. Let the shooting begin. :) |
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I agree! It takes more toughness to be open than it does to hide behind a facade or a group of gunslingers which should be arriving at any moment. |
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We'll see. It's been my experience that the truly hateful are also cowards, and will do almost anything to avoid direct confrontation with the object of their hatred. They won't expose themselves like that, but they're supposedly the tough ones? Hah. |
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You are so right. Just shoot you in the back and they don't get hurt. Tough, brave gunslingers! |
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Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came... (smiles) |
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Life is a lot easier if you are open with your feelings, holding things in is harmful to everyone. |
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I've tried both, and discovered that when I hold things in, they eventually come out anyway, only at an inappropriate time and place, and usually in the form of a disporportionately pissed-off rampage in response to a relatively minor annoyance. I'm doing my best to take better care of myself these days, and stress reduction is a good start, since I have high blood pressure that doesn't respond well to medication and easily soars in the 'stroke zone' when I'm having a major conniption. Better to have mini-fits than hold it all inside until it overflows the floodgates, lol. |
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Broken,,so very true of many that probably are unhappy inside,wearing a cloke that says otherwise in public. bonne nuit.. and smile! |
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I have happy days, and some that aren't so happy. Anyone who claims they don't experience both is either delusional or just a flat out liar. Many choose not to share their bad moments, and I have no problem with that because we all blog for different reasons. Just don't try to convince everyone that you don't HAVE bad days, that your life, your marriage, your job, your health, your relationships and everything else in your world is 100% hunkey-dory (did I even spell that right?) 100% of the time, while accusing those who write about hard times as fishing for sympathy or having a pity-party. Like the song by REM says, "Everybody hurts...sometimes." |
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Agree,,we all have those days but most won't admit to them and take out anger where they shouldn't. Love REM...here's Johnny,what a champ he was and so honest about life! |
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Love that song, Cash really made it his own, even though the original was by Nine Inch Nails.
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Glad you did,wasn't sure you would, but Cash is the best.I saw that they had done it first,,but Johnny won this time!:) |
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It's especially poignant because it was among his last recordings. Included in those last recordings is a version of 'Personal Jesus', originally by Depeche Mode (and later covered by Marylin Manson too.) You might like it as well. |
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Do like it alot,thankyou! His music will last forever! |
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:) |
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:) back to you! |
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Bon après ! J'espère que vous serez un jour être libre d'être qui vous êtes vraiment ... |
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Je vous remercie, mon ami fidèle. Je me manquez trop! |
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You have a grand capacity for a heart full of love. There is no greater love than to give of yourself unconditionally. The small and simplest of things usually have the greatest meaning to those who are in need. A forgiving heart makes room for everything good that we desire for our lives. Above all, be kind to your heart. Selfishness kills. |
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Ah, you've touched on a deep and rotten root of mine, something that has escaped me for decades, self-forgiveness and self-love. No matter how much I do for others, I never feel it's enough. I don't extend myself the same courtesy and consideration that I try to extend others, nor the same amount of forgiveness. I've been told (by people I respect, like my husband) that I am too hard on myself and that I set impossibly high standards on those I call "friend." I can count the true friends I've had in my life on one hand, and most of them are dead. But I still keep trying, and probably always will. So what if my efforts earn me a kick in the teeth now and then? I can always buy new ones, lol. |
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Many deep and powerful conversations can be had by this post. To truly love yourself and forgive yourself is something that one has to learn on their own. It is not something that can be taught. When we get to this point in our lives (I believe) that we find true peace and happiness. We become complete and what we give to others is simply an extention of who we are. It becomes "enough" when we are whole. It is my goal to get there one day as well. One day I will stop kicking myself in the teeth.. if I have any left by then. |
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It's nice to know I am not alone on this journey, it truly is. Thanks, Sherabella. |
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I'm like you, I'd rather keep my tender heart and get hurt a few times than turn cold. Forgiveness is sometimes hard, but I feel it is essential to happiness. That includes forgiving of self, not as an indulgence, but as acknowledgement that we all fall short of the mark somewhere. The scriptures say "charity is the pure love of Christ, and whoso is found possessed of it in the last day, it shall be well with him." I love how people can reach out and be charitable with one another on this site, often cheering and encouraging when others are down. I never understood the ones who would purposely spread ill-will. I feel sorry for them... to be in such a 'bad space'. |
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Yup. I don't really care when I discover I've been used or decieved or played for a sucker, that's on the perpetrator of the fraud, not me. I am not innocent of anger myself, but there comes a time to just say "enough." I say that now. I've had enough. |
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I'm so glad for you! I'm trying to get there myself. |
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You'll make it, maggie. Keep it simple. Take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves. |
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Trying! |
I think it has a lot to do with nuture. My husband's family are quiet spoken, never raise their voice but they let their anger/displeasure simmer and stew and hold a grudge for a long time. You have to "guess" at what caused the displeasure/wrong to begin with.
My family including me, will let you know loudly and immediately what displeases us. We jump in feet first and throw a total "hissy fit". There is never a doubt as to what has displeased us. Then we are done, we have spoken our piece and it is over, time to forget, forgive and move on.